If you wanna get on a diet replace the light in your fridge with an air horn .!!
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Most people getting out of an Uber: “thanks”
Midwesterner getting out of an Uber: “Good luck with your custody battle! There’s no way the courts won’t be able to see what an amazing mother you are! You stay strong Amber…I love you!”
Me: You’re not allowed on the couch.
Dog: Oh yah? Well you’re not allowed to scratch my head!
Me:
Dog:
Me: Didn’t think that through, did you?
Dog: Not really, no.
Jan – Nov: depressed
December: depressed but with tinsel
Sweet dreams are made of cheese. Who am I to diss a brie. I cheddar the world and the feta cheese.
“did I catch you at a bad time?”
– yeah, I’m awake and I’m sober
[Going to Starbucks for the first time]
*Ok be calm and ask for a Tall Latte as practised*
[a little later]
‘Hi can I have Lall Tatte?’
Got my son to paint our fence by telling him it was his first karate class.
Them: Can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *bursts into flames*
Saw a bumper sticker that said ‘Jesus is the answer.’ Two cars later I saw one that said ‘Who farted?’ Best game of Highway Jeopardy ever.
4yo-“Can I have this granola bar?”
Me-“You don’t like granola bars.”
4yo-“I DO!”
Me-“You have never liked these. I promise you don’t.”
4yo- “I YIKE THEM! I want it!”
“…fine. Here ya go.”“Mom. I don’t yike this granola bar.”
T-REX: So you going to Tim’s surprise party?
TIM TRICERATOPS (behind them): My what?
RAPTOR: More like Tyrannosaurus Wrecks EVERYTHING
[summoning the devil]
me: come to us!
satan: [rising from floor] who summons me?
mom: [comes in] hi honey i thought you and your friends might want some snacks and-
me: mom get out!
satan: susan is that you?
mom: oh my god! satey?
satan: unholy shit how long’s it been?
Me: What makes you think I have trouble letting go?
Her: You woke me up at 3am to ask that?
it’s creepy that edward cullen never sleeps and spends his nights staring at bella. but what if he’s just stopping spiders crawling into her mouth? now we’re talking
(first date)
Her: I love Star Trek
Me: Me too!
Her: What’s your favourite part?
Me: *sweating* uhh when the stars go trekking!
Would you wear it?
Meet the elite couple breeding to save mankind:
Your call is very important to us. So please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.
The nurse should wait until after they weigh you to ask if you’ve had any symptoms of depression in the past two weeks.
Mcdonald’s is the true nemesis of anyone trying to lose weight.
Their Arch enemy, you might say.
gonna wash my car with my girlfriends pomeranian to spice things up
When you smile the whole world wonders what’s wrong with you.
Too bad we can’t get paid for our funny tweets. I could probably make about $10.
My daughter’s Starbucks addiction has become so severe that she’s routinely calling me by the wrong name now
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Now: I want to disappear in a corn maze
“Son, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice.”
He’s a 10 but so is his volume.
The funk soul brother