I’m my own family, I say as I plow through the family-size bag of barbecue chips.
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cannibals be like “lose 20 pounds in a week” then eat your arm
my brain: i hate that person
that person: hey that thing you wrote was great
my brain: they do have a lot of redeeming qualities
Texting drivers running over texting pedestrians: a modern day zombie apocalypse.
I’m assuming my husband bought me gym clothes and fat burning supplements because he wants a divorce
Make sure you lock your car doors so no one steals your half empty water bottles.
When I was a kid, I had to walk uphill both ways in the snow just to change the TV channel.
Instagram: look how pretty everything is
Facebook: look how easy everything is
Twitter: look how painfully funny everything can be if you just actually look at it and be honest
Tiktok: look at how dancing everything is
The main reason I don’t own a gun is because I would shoot people who scare me when they sneeze.
My DNA results came back and apparently I’m .0002% aardvark. Which pretty much answers all the questions I’ve ever had. About anything.
7yo: daddy did you know that the number eleven is odd?
me: yes
7yo: then why does it have the word even in it?
me:
Kevin didn’t know how much longer he could fake laugh at Linda’s dumb jokes, but he did know he didn’t want to be glue.
One cake enters. No cake leaves.
WIFE: Were you harassing that old gypsy woman again?
ME: *fighting off a crow* Of course not!
WIFE: You lying to me?
ME: No.
*rains frogs*
Me, first day as homicide detective: Just as I suspected…it’s blood.
this one has claws
This one swims but can’t fly
This one is huge & runs funny
This one bangs his head against trees
– god making birds
Optometrist: better or worse
Me: oh worse, everything’s definitely worse
The only double penetrating I’ll ever do is eating the double stuff Oreo I just dropped into my coffee.
My 10 year old just told his friend I’m cranky cus I have my “pyramid”.
When McDonalds drive thru say they ain’t got what you want but youre stuck in the line- is this the walk of mcshame?
Boss: are you sticking to the schedule
Death: yeah of course
Boss: so you’re not killing anyone prematurely to gain access to their earthly wares
Death: *pauses brand new PS5* what are you getting at Roy
You look like the kind of person who would hit rock bottom and then start drilling.
“Rethink this?” buddy I didn’t even think this the first time
booking flights on a phone is crazy. that is a laptop activity
My daughter has a pink camo shirt in case she needs to infiltrate barbie’s dream house I guess
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I once left the house without using the bathroom first.
superman villains:
darkseid – galactic conqueror
doomsday – indestructible killing machinebatman villains:
the joker – tells little jokes
the riddler – poses little riddles
the penguin – is a penguin
doctor: I’m afraid your husband has died
my aunt: oh no wait have you tried giving him *scrolling facebook* apple cider vinegar
i just blocked everyone who’s face i don’t like, so if you’re seeing this…hiii
I’m not one to bet, but I’d put $50 on the fact that the waffle was probably created when someone accidentally stepped on a pancake.
I asked my son to look through the playroom for things to donate to goodwill, and he was so generous about it, within minutes, he came back with a whole bag filled with his sister’s toys.