At some point I need to admit my ‘guilty pleasure’ music taste is just my music taste now
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Me: OK now i need fresh fruit
Grocery app: Here’s melon flavored candy.
Me: No fresh fruit
Grocery app: Got it. Fruit snacks.
Establish dominance at your doctor’s office by giving *him* the bad news first.
Calm down ‘Fitbit’ joggers. I can drink one 5-Hour Energy and reach my target heart rate without even getting off my couch
* on my death bed
Me: One thing I want you to do for me…
Wife: Name it?
Me: I want you to marry Larry.
Wife: (pause)You sure? I thought you hated Larry?
Me: I do.
I’m so glad this hat comes with instructions
Bear Grylls: *waits impatiently for NASA’s call*
A bouncy castle with a low cement ceiling to teach you not to have too much fun
my wife says she’s never worked in tech support, but when something is broken she always has helpful tips like “is it on?” and I’m like ok geek squad
wow he looks just like him
[Whole Foods]
ME: Where are all the donuts?
CASHIER: We uh…we don’t sell donuts
ME: Well what other hole foods are there?!
if you hold a crab up to your ear you can hear what it’s like to get attacked by a crab
It’s amazing how fast the first 30 minutes of work just fly by when you show up a half hour late for work.
[self-quarantine day 3]
must clean the house and bathe[self-quarantine day 8]
have to get my shit together[self-quarantine day 15]
can’t keep living like this[self-quarantine day 21]
might be losing it[self-quarantine day 34]
taught mr. wiggles to play “careless whisper”
*gingerly maneuvers the garbage can back into place between a stack of crown molding we’ll never use and your antique pesticide collection*
I can confirm that men and women may disagree on when advice is helpful.
In related news, it is warm enough to sleep outside.
The pasta is now
i am yelling at all my family members right now, does anyone need someone yelled at, WILL YELL FOR FREE
Float like a jellyfish, sting like a jellyfish.
Liverpool sounds like the most disgusting place in the world to hold a swim meet.
Netflix needs a notification that says ‘Do you want to watch something or not?’ for when couples are taking too long to decide
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
Doctor: That mule really kicked you. I’m afraid there’s some bleeding on the brain
Me: He gave me a bloody knows, LOL
Judge: so your petition says irreconcilable differences
Me: yesterday he wore Nike shoes with Adidas socks
Judge: divorce granted
A fun way to make things uncomfortable at work is to buy a box of donuts for everyone but keep them on your lap.
Someone just posted that they baked some synonym rolls. So I said, “Just like grammar used to make?”
Now I’m blocked 😅🤣😂
What does Frankenstein drive?
A monster truck
[dollar tree]
CASHIER: i’m sorry sir but we don’t actually sell trees that grow dollars
ME: get me the manager
I hope this cauliflower salad I’m bringing to the BBQ gets me laid.
Spanish Government: Anything further to report?
Shakira: No.
Shakira’s hips: YES!
One day, some dude was all “You know where we should save our money? Inside a statue of a pig,” and everybody went “That is a GREAT idea.”