Upon graduation from the University of Phoenix, do they just send you a screencap of your degree?
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I thought Game of Thrones was a show about bathrooms
*bends over to pick a four leaf clover but gets struck by a falling ACME safe before doing so*
I hope the final frame of Breaking Bad is white text on black background: “None of this would have happened if we had Universal Healthcare.”
[takes e-cig from guy beside me & takes a hit] dude, your e-cig is broken
GUY BESIDE ME: give me back my clarinet
Please stop asking Santa for the perfect woman…….
3 times he’s tried to kidnap me this week
i woke up at 3:48 from a weird dream i wanted to rememember. tried to text myself sketchy details. accidentally sent them to a number one off from mine. help
I’m not gay but I support their “agenda” – working, having a family, living in safety and fair, equal treatment.
Pretty radical shit.
When someone you don’t wanna see tries to make plans with you
Mom! Don’t worry, but there’s a spider over here. Don’t come over. And don’t worry, it’s not big but it’s actually huge so maybe stay away.
*watching someone make a cake*
them: and now add the mascarpone
me: ah yes, the one that hides the horses
Leaving my browser history open in case anyone in this coffee shop tries to steal my laptop when I’m in the bathroom.
Another Twilight movie?God I hope Abraham Lincoln shows up and slays every last one of them.
Chicks like it when you let out a loud “AWOOGA” when you see her naked
“I wouldn’t.”
Txt from wife: where r u
Me:kitchen
Wife:can u feed cat
M: I mean garage
W:bring in laundry
M:bathroom
W:clean toilet
M: Idaho
W:get potatos
me: correct me if I’m wrong-
the internet: sir, we will correct you even if you’re right
They say the longer you’re married, the more you and your spouse start to look alike. My wife and I can open each other’s iPhones using face ID.
Ate too much salad today so I’m going on an Oreos cleanse tomorrow.
Be warned….if you fly Spirit, everything is an upgrade fee.
Choose your seat? $10 fee
Check a bag? $30 fee
Want a pilot? $50 fee
The older I get, the more I realize nobody is better than I am.
Except people with statues of lions outside their house. They rule.
my body: please…eat a vegetable
me: fine
my body: that’s not fried
Roses are red
Vodka is clear
Shit got wild last night
I should stick to beer
70’s horror movies gave me a healthy respect for the power held by chainsaws and deserted farmhouses
Me: So what do you wanna get your friend for his bday?
9: I asked him what he likes & he said tacos.
Me: ok..
9: But I said, “Not food. What else do you like?” And he said his grandma
Me: ok so
9: And I said not grandmas either! Let’s just get him a football or something
I know it’s International Women’s Day but I’d like to give a shout out to all the national and local women as well.
CIVIL WAR SPOILER: A lot of people in the South still don’t know they lost.
[funeral]
WIDOW (sobbing): i’ll never see him again
ME: what if there was a way you could
WIFE (knowing im about to pitch my idea for Above Ground Cemeteries Inc): we should leave
In the summer there’s only so many clothes you can take off. On that note, please send bail money.
Pick a number, now add 7,
divide by 4, write it down.
Now get an apple, name it,
show it a picture of your cat.Now go to bed,you’re drunk.