My superpower is the ability to take on the shape of whatever food I eat.
For example if I eat potato chips, I take on the shape of a potato.
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Texting is a brilliant way to miscommunicate how you feel, and misinterpret what other people mean.
[itsy bitsy spider diary]
Day 47 of my attempt to climb water spout. Weather looks good. Hopeful.
If the FBI want to get into an iPhone w/o users permission, they should ask someone who’s done it before, like U2
“can i talk to you real fast?” no you can talk to me in a normal cadence or not at all
[helping a pretty girl change a flat tire]
me struggling to loosen lug nuts: Who put these on… Superman?
her: I did
I hate when people ask me “how do you feel your presentation went?”
Excuse me I blacked out & astral projected the entire time, you tell me
They say rubbing coffee grounds all over your naked body can help prevent cellulite. What they didn’t say was not to do it in the aisle of the grocery store …..
….. anyways, gotta run – the cops just showed up
when my boyfriend is home i eat three square meals a day and when he is gone i creep into the kitchen for a handful of dry cereal or a pickle every two hours like a tiny rat in a bodega in bedstuy
Pretty cute that my husband wanted to role-play that I was his maid and then not break character for 14 years.
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
I like to sleep naked. I don’t understand why airlines have a problem with this.
finally found a reasonable question
GOD: there, my first animal 🙂
SNAKE:youre not done right? How am I supposed to move?
G:like this*shimmies*
S:
G:just kinda*shimmies*
S:dude
Why spend money on graduate school when my mom can give you the third degree for free
Fun date idea: Put a fake diamond ring in your dessert and act like your date proposed. Men love that.
A web shooter like Spiderman would have so many uses, like I could grab the chips without leaving the couch.
waiter: do you need a minute to look over the menu?
me, researched it online: yes please
Sees Sasquatch’s foot impression in the ground.
Grand Duke: I’d hate to see the creature that’s attached to.
Prince Charming clutching huge glass slipper: crap
Me: Hi. I’d like to deposit a large amount of cash.
Bank teller: Ok. Where is it?
Me: No, I said I’d like to.
Be a sharp dressed man. Buy a suit made of knives. Scare ur boss into promoting u. Cut everyone’s sandwiches for them in the break room.
*works out for 75 mins
*eats an entire batch of cookie dough
Got kicked out of the gym for setting off the smoke alarm while running in my corduroy shorts.
Your preoccupation with Hugh Jackman, Hugh Grant and Hugh Laurie is irritating. Why do you have to make everything about Hugh?
[in living room]
Daughter: This show SUCKS
Son: YOU suck
Wife: Ok, that’s ENOUGH
Me: WHERE IS THE TV REMOTE
Realtor: *clears throat*
Me: Feels like home…we’ll take it
doc: “your dad’s been in a coma for 9 days, we’re running out of ideas”
me: “let me try” [goes to adjust thermostat]
dad: [opens one eye]
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
That scene where Scar kills Mufasa only it’s me to the crumbs on my shirt
DAD: You’re adapted.
SCREENPLAY: What?!
Son, “Something wicked this way comes.”
-me, walking into the kitchen
It’s so windy, my dog keeps stopping, looking back at me and dropping that “you gonna fix this shit?” look.