Blessed are the teens who leave the kitchen cleaner than they found it.
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Cop: *kicks door open* it’s time to take out the trash
Cop’s wife: stop kicking the door
I broke up with a woman once, she was beautiful but dumb, I kicked her to the curb because she couldn’t tell the difference between my bedroom door and the neighbor’s bedroom door.
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
I googled “how freaking long can it possibly take to play 18 holes of golf?” if you wanted to know how much trouble my husband is in tonight.
Almost hit someone with my car just to get their attention…
It’s safe to say that flirting isn’t my strong point.
Social butterfly? Nah.
I’m more like a social Sasquatch. Some people swear they’ve seen me, but no one really believes them.
Mark my words, but use something erasable cause I change my mind a lot.
Blind Date
Me: I’ve read “The Catcher in the Rye” 5 times.
Him: I like watching Swamp People – they catch gators. What are they catching in your book?
[later on]
Him to his friend: Nah she drinks too much.
a lot of guys and girls have to leave from office early today because they all have doctor’s appointments, be safe people
My dog is home alone for the first time today. I wish I knew how he was doing, but he won’t answer my texts.
fertility doctor: it’s almost like your sperm are avoiding the egg
stormtrooper: *sighs*
Not gonna lie, I’m pretty proud of this one.
You: *makes tiniest movement on sofa*
Someone: “you going to the kitchen?”
If there is any indication of how this day will go, I put my shirt on backwards this morning. No biggie, except the fact it’s a button down.
No one is more productive than a guy who’s been laying on the couch for two hours and suddenly realizes his wife will be home in 5 minutes.
I called in dinner at a restaurant and Husband went to pick it up. These texts ensued:
H, “What name did you put it under?”
Me, “Yours.”
H, “Not a fake name?”
M, “Why would I do that?”
H, “Because your weird like that.”
M, “You’re.”
H, “It’s under you’re?”
Me, “Yes.”
has it occurred to anyone that the reason dinosaurs are extinct is because purple is way to flashy in the wild?
on a date with a guy who got evicted for chewing through all the wires in his house
I’m not religious but I know there’s a hell because Monopoly exists
sometimes if i’m having trouble falling asleep i just pretend i’m watching lord of the rings
Every time I find a new gray hair I text my mother to tell her I’m calling it one of the many grandchildren names she passive aggressively suggested to me over the years.
The past two Fridays after school I have seen the same group of teens walking home with a store cake and I would like to know how I get in on this Friday cake club.
If I were the tooth fairy I wouldn’t leave any cash, just a note that says I’VE TAKEN YOUR TEETH
My superpower is acting like I’m trying to stop the elevator from shutting when more people are trying to get on without really stopping it.
“You’re saying it’s all an act?
Chewbacca: Indubitably, my good man.
Clown Uber driver:
Get in! We have room for one more.
carolers: *knock on door*
(Simon Cowell answers the door)
carolers: *gulp*
money is tight this year. everybody is getting a macaroni necklace for christmas
I followed a guy because of one cleverly written tweet, but everything since then has been drivel. Now I know how people who follow me feel.
[breakfast]
ME: please pass the egg snow and the toast ketchup
WIFE: *reluctantly hands me the salt and jelly* you are really something else dude