When your realtor finds a quaint Tudor in your price range.
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Remember when the current stupidest thing was the “Gotta Get Down on Friday” song? We didn’t know how good we had it.
Remember when movies didn’t show you the entire plot in the trailer?
I was inept with girls in high school. Once I tried to unhook a bra strap and accidentally made a macramé plant hanger.
@funTweeters just starred 1 of my tweets. It’s like getting a personal letter fr Jennifer Lawrence, & it asks if she can borrow some stamps.
Newborns cry because they’re being evicted
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
every chef right now: Today I’m going to show you how to make something simple with ingredients everyone has in their pantry, since you can’t go to the store. I’m starting with Madagascar vanilla, hemp milk, and a single feather from a dodo bird.
Wife: Are…are you training a beaver in karate?
Me: Well, actually it’s not a beav-
Wife: I don’t care what it is, just get rid of it!
Me: [whispering] It’s okay Woodchuck Norris. Don’t let her dash your dreams.
My favorite things about Texas are definitely our toast and our chainsaw massacres.
I believe the plural is “milves.”
“Service Dog, Do Not Pet.” We’re sure this means me? Should we ask the dog? We should ask the dog.
Joined WhateverCupid™️ and matched with a woman who said we should meet for coffee if I wanted to and if not that was also cool. No photo. She said to look for a woman slouched in the corner wearing sweats. It went ok. I asked if we should meet again and she said whatever.
My parents bought us candy cigarettes for my 11th birthday party. The store was out of candy syringes.
“How deep should we make the shelves in this shower wall?”
“Hmm.. deep enough to hold the shampoo, but shallow enough so that a rogue current of air could send the contents of the shelf plummeting onto the person’s toes while they shower.”
“Perfect.”
You: *sneezes*
Me: [hears phrases incorrectly but appropriates them anyway] kazoo night.
everyone on the saturday night live thing pronounced it sarynyelive
*forgets to bring grocery list to the store*
I can handle this…
*comes home with cheese and bath salts*
Nailed it.
*first year living alone*
Me: *runs out of bedroom on Christmas Day to find no presents* what
I’m going to be a piñata for Halloween: nearly broke & full of candy
Please do not buy stainless steel or titanium rings. They seem cool until you can’t get them off.
I’d buy a lot more exercise pants if they were called eating pants.
Life hack: If your FIL ever says, “Stop me if I’ve told you this,” take him up on it.
My daughter is able to take one chocolate cookie and then go about her day not caring that there’s more.
I’m pretty sure she’s a witch.
Today I became an Australian citizen and I got bitten by a spider. Unlikely coincidence IMHO. 🇦🇺
‘My neighbour just told me coyotes kept eating his outdoor cats, so I asked how many cats have you had and he said he just goes to the shelter afterwards to get a new cat. So I said it just sounds like you’re feeding shelter cats to coyotes. And then his daughter started crying’
Her: What superpower would you choose?
Me: *sweating* Definitely the USA or China.
Why does James Bond keep telling people his real name? Worst. Spy. Ever.
Facebook post: Sad news. Mom passed away this morning.
Facebook: Be the first person to like this.
Them: you shouldn’t drink so much caffeine it’s bad for you
Me: I shouldn’t have to work this much to afford my rent either but here we are
Mike Pence has a strong resume, including Governor of Indiana and Shawshank Prison Guard. #VPDebate