reasons why people don’t want to return to offices:
-unpaid travel
-packing lunch
-the bear in the conference room
-dress codes
-the bear stole my lunch
-someone help
-my boss told me to take it up with hr
-it’s eating my sandwich
-code switching
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Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me
Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.
I like that CNN is tweeting a picture of ebola bacteria. It will be handy in case I encounter it in the wild. With my microscope vision.
My friend Luke didn’t realise until he was an adult that lukewarm was a real temperature, he thought it was just a term his mum used to describe his bath water.
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
I’m not feeling myself today…
…would YOU do it for me?
I wonder what the girl who dumped me in high school would say now that I’m exactly the same but older
Me: [my mouth full] I didn’t know you guys did edible arrangements
Florist: we don’t
My son asked why some mommies and daddies live in different houses, so I sat him down and told him the truth… their kids complained about slow WiFi and never went to bed on time.
If I was a piece of candy, I’d be Double Bubble gum. Too hard and sharp at first, a fleeting moment of wonderful sweetness and then a long period of tasteless inconvenience.
box: meow
schrodinger: ignore that
her: i saw a shark walking along the beach
me: *flicks cigarette* sharks don’t even have feet, jen
Bout to have the best sleep of my life
Ive always hated math because, in my head, all the word problems sounded like this:
The spaghetti envelopes are triangular. Find X.
My phone went from fully charged to 10% while I was sleeping, so I guess it leads a more exciting nightlife than I do.
“Hi I’m looking for a birthday card for my mom’s sister”
*hands you an extremely small card*
“WHAT IS THIS A CARD FOR AUNTS”
Yes
“Perfect”
Canadians eat more mac & cheese than any other nation
We also rank first for quality of life
I’m not saying these things are related but ….these things are definitely related
My dream of making Playboy gone, so my best bet is National Geographic photographing me naked, carrying water on my head.
Oh, you drink black coffee? Tell your ulcer I said good morning
Why hunt for vampires when you can just open a tuxedo shop and have them come to you? Work smarter, not harder.
[Noah from the Bible is doing laundry and his washer just starts spewing water]
DEBORAH GET THE BOAT
Spent $500 on groceries today. Any minute now, one of my kids will list 10 things I forgot.
people complain a lot about the airport but i find it pretty hard to criticize a community that so strongly embraces breakfast pizza and sleeping on the ground
If you’re pretty, you’re pretty; but the only way to be beautiful is to be loving. Otherwise, it’s just “congratulations about your face.”
every time a random fucking website asks if it can send me notifications i imagine a guy i’ve never seen before in my life running out of a building i just walked by and chasing me down the street demanding to know my full name and email address
Me: Night love.
11: Did you know the snow in the Wizard of Oz was made of pure asbestos?
“What are you going to be when you grow up?”
Tired.
The answer is tired.
My 6-year-old walked into the room and said, “Don’t worry, Dad. I’m OK.”
Time to search the house for whatever she destroyed.
If you need someone to keep a secret then I’m your girl. I’ll forget it 5 minutes after you tell me.