waiter: would you like a table?
me: yes, the multiplication please
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A new rule at the office is if you cry you get sent home. Anyways, I can’t stop crying.
Pack a bag, we’re going on a tangent.
very few whales can do a kickflip but also very few skateboarders could eat 40 million krill in one day, everyone has their strengths and weaknesses
My favorite female superhero
I know I’m more literater than you because of my fancificacious vocabularianistic wordicisms.
[first date]
Me: why isn’t a boy ant called an uncle
Date: why isn’t a girl praying mantis called a praying womantis
*we do it right there*
Of course I consume a lot of carbs. I don’t want to get decarbohydrated.
CNN: President Obama Rescues a Child From a Burning Home
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working Firefighters
Kid: We never have anything good to eat!
Me: Go shake your car seat out.
Sample lady: Would you like to try a chocolate chip cookie?
Me: You have to tell me if you’re a cop.
I feel like I’m getting dumber. Like, my memory sucks, and I feel like I’m using half my brain. So I googled it, and it sounds like “brain fog.” There are simple steps to help relieve it. Diet, exercise, plenty of sleep. So what I’m saying is, I’m probably gonna get dumber.
Just overheard someone say they found $100 in a coat pocket they must have forgotten about from last year. Let me tell you something if I ever lost $100 I wouldn’t forget. People would see me coming and say “there’s that guy that won’t shut up about losing $100.”
cry laughing at this shit
[FIRST DAY AS A LAWYER]
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.
Witness: I do.
Me: How do I look in these pants?
it’s so funny that the veggie used to make veggie chips is just a potato
they are potato chips
I’m quitting drinking for a year.
*I’m quitting. Drinking for a year.
Sorry, punctuation is everything.
There’s a butterfly in my office and a nerf gun in my purse. Susan, clear my schedule.
[bank robbery]
“Todd, where the hell is the getaway car?”
TODD: *zooming up on a Segway* FOSSIL FUELS ARE RUINING THIS PLANET, GARY
Me: I like a full bodied wine.
Date: I’m not that knowledgeable about wine.
Me: It’s like, when the grapes were really thicc.
So, if I take out a reverse mortgage on my house does that mean I’ll own a bank after 30 years?
“Make yourself at home.” they say, then it’s “Ma’am please put your bra back on.”
Make up your mind, library story time, make up your mind!
OMG, you guys, there’s a button on this stove that says “Stop Time”. Should I press it??
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
Aw man, but that’s the best part
My online therapist says you can’t live your life in fear….He also sells shampoo.
4- I make a lot of noises when I poop
Me- that’s okay buddy we all do
4- I know mom, sometimes I can hear you and dad in your room at night
[history class in the year 2120]
teacher: so now let’s discuss america in 2020
students: [collective groan]
her: i only date woke guys
me: [trying to impress] i have insomnia
[Commercial for babies]
*100 year old woman trying to feed a brick a bottle of milk*
“There’s got to be a better way”
My wife used to make meals that would make Martha Stewart jealous. Then she joined Twitter…
Now I’m lucky if she buys cereal.