4-year-old: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: You could get me a “world’s best dad” mug.
4: You told me not to lie.
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A gritty reboot of basketball where we find out all the players’ moms were murdered by circles and that’s why they throw rocks at one.
Happy thanksgiving!
Nice Confederate flag bro, way to commemorate coming in second place in a civil war.
My new rescue dog has figured out how to step on the pedal and open the trash can.
I don’t think my children ever learned that.
Bring a toddler to your next robbery. Their smudgy fingerprints everywhere will make the forensics team cry.
Twitter reminds me of what my grandpa always used to say, ‘Who are you people and what are you all jabbering about anyway?’
[Me, in sign language, next to volcano]
The Earth soup is not for eating
My son used to check under the bed for monsters. So once I hid under there – so he’d see me and laugh. Anyway, child therapy is pricey.
Dear woman I saw jog down a busy street, run into a liquor store, buy two bottles of wine, and then jog back home,
Come back to me.
A great white shark is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.
Last night my wife was watching Marie Kondo, this morning I woke up on the curb.
[Day 5]
GOD: What do you think?
ANGEL: You’re tired. Why don’t we try making the birds tomorrow.
Today I caught my grandpa urinating with the door open. Which is no big deal, but it’s annoying when I’m trying to drive.
My obituary: She died in the shower, dancing away from a spider that was really just black sock fuzz.
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
A News Reporter just described someone as “Healthy as a Bus”.
Yeah….I don’t know either.
I’m the master at playing ‘The floor is lava’
*Lies on the couch*
*Facebook down*
Grandpa: *in the back alley* Yes, can I please get a gram of conspiracy theories
guy about to invent the cheese grater: you know what I hate? knuckles.
COWORKER: how old is our boss?
ME: cut him in half & count the rings
CW: doesn’t that only work on trees?
ME: *over chainsaw noises* HE’S 38
I hate being an adult … I thought it was just a phase.
Anyone: Hey, can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *sound of footsteps running away*
[buying condoms] Do you have anything bigger? Like if someone wanted to pretend to be a slippery ghost for a day, or something like that.
Someone want to tell my kids that the color of the bowl has NO EFFECT ON THE FLAVOR OF THE FOOD!!
How Am I Doing? I’ll Tell You How I’m Doing Volumes: 1-8
*playing Mortal Kombat*
Her: Can I try?
Me: Sure.
Her: Which one of them shoots that Handookie thingie?
Me: Hadouken?
Her: Yea.
Me: Leave.
It’s almost summer and I’m only three stomach flus and a couple tapeworms away from my beach body!!!
Every year on Valentine’s Day, I put a smile on my wife’s face
by taking down the Christmas tree.
When people ask “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” just reply with “Space” then silently stare at the sky until they leave.
I told my tween to exercise so he sat on the couch and told me he was exercising — his right to freedom. I was mad, mostly that I never thought of that one myself.