In honor of the longest night of the year I will also be cold, distant &filled with darkness.
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My husband and kids have started humming Darth Vader’s Imperial March whenever I walk into the room and I’ve never felt more complete
How often do I make chemistry jokes? Periodically.
I actually told one the other day. There was no reaction…
therapist: according to your wife you only say rude words
me: rude words
therapist: yes
me: rude words
therapist: i see
EVERY SENTIENT & NON-SENTIENT CONGLOMERATION OF MOLECULES ON THIS EARTH HAS A BF. WTF.
[courtroom]
JUDGE: “In the case of the State vs Waldo, Jury- how do you find the defendant?”
LEAD JUROR: “…we uh…haven’t yet”
You know you’re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature’s.
Bet sidewalk and fireplace were named by the same person
Me: I’ve hit rock bottom
The Rock: Harder
[talking to a date]
“I hate rushing into relationships.”
[talking to a new friend]
“I’m tired of dating. Run away with me & we’ll get married in Vegas. We can start a raccoon farm outside of town & grow old together. No one can stop us.”
I was in the park vaping in a tree when skateboard punk yolo teens called me “poor,” but jokes on them — I make hundreds of dollars a year.
[Jumps into taxi]
“FOLLOW…”
[taxi driver turns around excitedly]
“…ME ON TWITTER”
[Jumps out & moonwalks into Olive garden]
me *watches toddler push wife’s work papers off the coffee table*
wife *walks in* Who did this?
me: Your stupid cat
If the police don’t escort you out of Applebees then is it really a good date?
Just remember, when the jury is deciding between premeditated murder and manslaughter…
it’s the thought that counts
Wonder who’s getting killed off this season on Sesame Street
I received a sibling discount when kid number two got braces today. Kid two said I should give her a cut since she “saved” me $200. I told her she actually cost me $5,000. She said, “Yeah, but not $5,200
Mistakes movie theater popcorn butter for hand sanitizer
Hilarity ensues
Husband is watching a Hunger Games movie marathon with the kids.
Little does he know that while he’s at work all day, I LIVE the Hunger Games with these people. And it’s definitely a marathon.
[In the bathroom]
Wife: I’m not going anywhere with you looking like that.
Me: Whata ya mean? Why? *looks in mirror straightens bowtie and tux*
W: We are just going to Walmart, not the Met Gala!
M: We live in an isolation world, essential shopping every 2 weeks is THE MET GALA!
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze.
I love rap beefs, it’s so romantic when two guys sing songs to each other
Here’s my thread about the spiders I’ve taken outside
– tonight was Bruce. He was medium sized and fast, but cooperated well 4/5 stars
[airport check-in]
Me: I’d like to check this in
Clerk: you’ll have to take that on with u
Me [sighing & picking baby up off counter]: fine
Make good choices because ghosts are stuck with the haircut they died with.
If you watch Footloose during the pandemic, the minister who tells everyone not to dance is now the hero.
Ate half my sandwich prolly save the other half for later
The Seven Deadly Sins:
1. Envy
2. Gluttony
3. Greed
4. Lust
5. Pride
6. Calling Lego ‘Legos’
7. Wrath
What’s the dumbest thing you bought when you were drunk?
I spent $30 on fish food and I don’t have a fish
I have a friend who doesn’t drink coffee, so to stay alert at work he gets a healthy amount of sleep each night. What a loser
And when you saw one set of footprints, that must be when you started paying attention cause I got tired and went home a while ago