*kidnapper calls to make his demands but my kid keeps interrupting him to ask if he wants to see his fidget spinner*
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I don’t like who I become when I’m watching someone Google something less efficiently than I would myself
Me: I’m in tears
Bored people on the internet: DO YOU KNOW HOW OFFENSIVE THAT IS TO PEOPLE WITH DRY EYE??
DATE: I think nervous boys are cute.
ME: *responding with confidence for the first time in my life* Excellent!
DATE: This date is over.
Smashing piñatas blindfolded but it’s just me being outside during the flying insect seasons.
“It’s beautiful today. Let’s work outside.”
*5 mins later*
“This was a terrible idea.”
*more bees disrupt the open heart surgery*
scrabbled eggs
Aisle 3: oh my god hi!
Aisle 5: haha hi
Aisle 9: yeah hello…
Aisle 10: [little smile]
Aisle 13: I swear to god I will cut you if I see your face again-Death spiral of a friendship when you keep running into them at Target
“My ex was a great wife, mom & never once complained once about ass to mouth” was apparently not an acceptable speech when she remarried?
Once married the woman takes over the entire closet and the man stores everything he owns in his left cargo pocket
waiter: would u like the bill?
me: no I would not
Don’t you hate it when you’re on your way to join the circus and you accidentally get married and have 3 kids?
Due to an unfortunate miscommunication with the printer, I am currently selling “Proudly Pro-Lice” bumper stickers at a steep discount.
Once a neighbor kid asked if my dog had any nicknames & I lied & made a bunch up & now whenever I see her she asks how ‘Tree Trunk’ is doing
“I’m in love with the shape of ewe.”
-Ed, shearing
Hey so remember when Malfoy was a jerk in year 1 and Harry got snarky right back and they became Instant Enemies? Well what if Harry had just been like “come on, man, let’s all be friends” and all the Houses were united and super chill
Play Sharknado for an old person and tell them that it’s a live news broadcast.
[first day as a flight attendant]
Pilot: tell them we’re descending
Me: THE PLANE IS GOING DOWN
Pilot: wtf take it back they’ll panic
Me: WE ARE STAYING UP HERE FOREVER
My dad overheard a conversation at Thanksgiving about the show The Last of Us and wanted to binge it before Christmas, but he accidentally watched This Is Us instead and his texts to the group chat about “where are the zombies” are insane
Kid: Can I get a new toy?
Me: No, Christmas is coming and you’ll get presents then
Kid: Can I have a candy bar?
Me: No, maybe Santa will bring you candy
Kid: A granola bar?
Me: Ask Santa 😉
Kid: A drink of water?
Me (only half listening): On Christmas
All I want is for my kids to have a good sense of humor. They don’t have to be funny, just need to be able to recognize how hilarious I am.
[taking out my Diva Cup]
Dracula: you gonna drink that?
One spelling mistake and my wife is all upset. All I wrote was: Having a great time, wish you were her.
HR and I apparently disagree on what “debriefed” means.
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
Festive Fact: Women who put on weight over the festive period are 98% more likely to live longer than their partners who point it out.
sometimes, late at night, i’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
My boyfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on his face. I love sharpies
doctor: you need to take one a day for the rest of your life
me: *checking the bottle* there’s only 2 in here
doctor: that is correct
My neighbors are organizing something called a “fun run”. This shit never happened when I lived in my car.
I don’t know about you, but I could really go for a punch in your face right now.