The 8yo disrupted my sleep again, so I texted my mom at 2AM to ask when it stops.
You Might Also Like
Aww you passed out, let’s see what you’ve got in your wallet, shall we?
What idiot named it “proposing marriage” and not “engaging the enemy”?
I didn’t believe in karma until I was scheduled to work at 6am on a holiday.
therapist: so, how are you feeling?
me: i’m feeling ok
therapist: great! let’s ruin that feeling by unearthing some childhood trauma
“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them
My favorite question is “are you a real person?” and the answer is no. I’m a sewer rat who discovered an old iphone and is now using it for nefarious purposes. Hope that settles that.
My favorite thing about summer is opening your window for 30 seconds so an insect that hasn’t been identified by science yet can fly into your home.
[boss starts giggling uncontrollably during his presentation as I tickle a voodoo doll]
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board?
dad: *nudge* could’ve been you
a philosopher: *sigh*
flight attendant: we are going to crash and can either hit a field and kill 1 farmer or a runway and kill 5
dad: what
a philosopher: IT’S HAPPENING OH MY GOD IT’S REALLY HAPPENING
Driving is great because it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
*First hour into camping with my family with no phone*
I have 2 kids?!
[Me as 911 Operator]
*phone rings*
I wait for it to stop ringing and text back “what’s up”
Old video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes!”
New video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes… but also, take some time to appreciate how emotionally complex it is to be a parent!”
I don’t understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That’s why I’m here.
My toddler was babbling a mile a minute first thing this morning and my 4yo said, ‘I’m going to need pancakes if I’m going to listen to you,’ so he’s my stress management coach now.
WIFE: I love the oaky, earthen taste of this wine.
FRIEND: Mine is both crisp and full-bodied.
ME: [corks on my teeth] I am Count Corkula.
If the British had won, today we’d all be celebrating the Fouurth of July
men are simple creatures
“Ok, guys, before you start calling me a pervert, let me just say I found a great source of protein.” — The first guy who ever milked a cow.
Hey I got your text but then I died, I’ll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though
A fun way to get exercise is grab a chainsaw and chase a hiker.
Women will never truly be equal as long as they’re smarter than men.
I get it Bryan Adams. It was the summer of 69, but what year?
Urgent care waiting room is an oxymoron
Saw a few feral dads at the grocery today. They’d lost their shopping lists and didn’t have phones. Store staff were attempting to feed them without being bitten.
A guy I know was flirting with the cashier, and she ignored him. When he said “How about a thank you?” She leaned toward him, and said “It’s printed on your receipt.”
Guess how many times pre-wrapped convenience store firewood helped me get laid.
British people: Unicycle
American people: Collegecycle
Name please
“Yo-Yo Ma”
Your full name
[quietly] “Yoghurt-Yoghurt Marmalade”
*buys two $5 copies of Math For Dummies*
*pays $47.00*