When a woman asks you to smell something, it usually smells good.
Men on the other hand…
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For $5 I’ll comment on your exes new relationship status saying “you gave me herpes!”
Me: “Do you have any songs you’re really hoping to learn in piano lessons?”
7 yo boy, dead serious: “Well my main goal for being here is really to learn The Muffin Man.”
You got it, brother. 🫡
One time in med school we had a lecture on the dangers of sleep deprivation and it was an Alanis Morissette level of irony that the lecture was at 7am.
Going viral on X is like winning a lotto during the apocalypse
The inventor of auto-correct walked into a bar and ordered a bear.
There was a piece of chocolate cake in the fridge and a note “Don’t eat me”.Now there’s an empty plate and a note “Don’t tell me what to do”
[New printer]
Align printer *prints page*
Clean printhead *prints page*
Print this test page *prints page*Ink low, replace cartridges
If you want your kid to play with their toy just give it to your other kid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
*Dentist’s waiting room*
*Trying to make conversation with other patient*
So… I guess you have teeth, too?
[Shark Tank]
ME: I have discovered a microbe that consumes plastic
MARK CUBAN: And why do you need our money?
ME: It ate my credit card
People are all like “STAY OUTTA MY LIFE GOVERNMENT” and then they shut down and people are all like “COME BACK IN MY LIFE GOVERNMENT”
[me narrating a documentary on urchins] “look at these boring moist porcupines”
My sixth grader told me this morning that when his homeroom teacher calls the roll, all of his classmates decided that instead of saying ‘Here!’ or ‘Present!’ they will say ‘Against my will’.
What do you mean I didn’t win I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else
I swear they do that thing where they close a lane of traffic, cut out holes, and then refill them with new concrete just to piss me off
[rap battle]
[my opponent attempts to drop the mic, but I stealthily tied it to his finger so it just comes back up like a yo-yo]
If you ever catch me staring blankly during our conversation it’s because I can’t remember if it’s my turn to say words or yours.
There are usually two types of merchants.
Sci-Fi Author: In my book I invented the Torment Nexus as a cautionary tale
Tech Company: At long last, we have created the Torment Nexus from classic sci-fi novel Don’t Create The Torment Nexus
Hotel clerk: You’re eligible for a room upgrade
Me: Sweet!
Clerk: Exactly
Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.
Just sneezed, accidentally blew a snot bubble, dropped my phone, then tripped on the dog. Whoever has my voodoo doll is hilarious
Friday: gonna work all weekend on home improvements
Saturday: well these CDs aren’t going to put themselves in chronological order
Sunday: on second thought, I’m going to rank them
Bad weather is My way of temporarily punishing you. Bad climate is your way of permanently punishing you.
The perfect tattoo doesn’t exi…
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
[Giraffes at gym]
“What do you want to work on today?”
Well we did neck day yesterday, and the day before.
“So…neck day again”
You bet
I bought a Mr. Microphone at a garage sale. Now I’m driving around yelling at bad drivers.
Best 25¢ I’ve ever spent.
My favorite oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp.
2. Act natural.
3. Boneless ribs.
4. Civil war.
5. Freezer burn.
6. Adult male.
7. Happy marriage.
doctor: how often do you exercise
me: does sex count
doctor: yes
me: twice a day
doctor: with other living ppl?
me: why would you specify living
doctor: just answer
me: no I don’t exercise