Human: we have a color named after you!
Salmon: really? is it silvery blue like my outsides?
Human: no, uh–
Salmon: wait why is it pink?
Human: …
Salmon: WHY IS IT PINK
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Girl A: We aren’t actually six years old. We’re six HUNDRED!
Girl B: Yeah. We look this young because we’re actually WITCHES and we take POTIONS to stay young!
Me: Right. But why would you choose to be 1st graders?
Girl B: Uh…
Girl A: It is possible we took too many potions.
Girl, did it hurt…when you fell from heaven? *smooshed girl bobs away making accordion sounds*
There is no wrong response when someone tells you they have named their pet after you.
Talking to funeral home director:
Me: “I would like to have my mother-in-law cremated”
MIL: “Let go of me!”
If I’m grilling and I can see you grilling, we will engage in a ceremonial tong click and bow.
My daughter is mad at me because I didn’t offer her a banana first thing this morning.
She hates bananas.
Do you know where mansplainers get their water from?
Well, actually…
[job interview]
What’s ur greatest strength?
“I wear too much cologne”
No, I mean-
“A lady legit passed out when I got in the elevator”
[courtroom]
Lawyer: If you didnt bite that surfers leg THEN WHO DID
Shark: I’m telling you idk
*whale in the audience opens a big newspaper*
A man was arrested on Brighton beach today for throwing pebbles at the sea birds.
He was accused of having left no tern unstoned.
Children are the future. Cuz in the present, they’re hella annoying
If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash
Celebrities, they’re just like us, except they drink wine and insult each other from their private island
INVENTOR OF SOUP: [holding water in one hand and sandwich in the other] wat if… wat if water was mor like sandwich
[Writing Batman theme]
WRITER: So it starts by saying “Batman.”
PRODUCER: Well that makes sense, just once?
WRITER: 23 times.
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you just make noise for awhile.
PRODUCER:
WRITER
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you say Batman again.
I saw a dating profile that said “No felonies” but I am not sure if that meant her or me.
Ironically when you cut your own hair the bar for success is not looking like you cut your own hair.
Remember to horrify your friends and family by testing out your tweets on Facebook today
Take me with you! I shout to every airplane that flies over my house.
My biological clock is telling me it’s lunch time
Copy Editor is a rewording career.
She danced her way into his heart.
-She was doing the robot tho, so she looked like an idiot.
My kids are teenagers, and I’ve found the same thing fixes their bad moods as when they were toddlers: a snack and a nap.
Trust my gut? The thing that gets overwhelmed by dairy
Me: After all these years, I feel like all you offer me is false support
Limb technician:…well it’s kinda my job Greg, otherwise you’d be hopping home.
The great thing about roadkill is you can teach your kid about wildlife and road safety simultaneously
I’m just a short girl, sitting in a car, being strangled by my seat belt.
this has to be peak English
Husband: You know how we could keep costs down on a really cold day?
Me: Setting fire to the house?
Psychiatrist: You saw a doctor before me?
Me: Yes.
Psychiatrist: What was their diagnosis?
Me: ᵐᵘˡᵗⁱᵖˡᵉ ᵖᵉʳˢᵒⁿᵃˡⁱᵗʸ ᵈⁱˢᵒʳᵈᵉʳ
Psychiatrist: Excuse me?
Me: HE SAID MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER.