A existential ship hitting an iceberg is called a Whytanic.
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The tag on my jeans says “Relaxed” so it obviously doesn’t have children.
“I don’t get why our troops need to wear camouflage, when they could just wear glasses…”
-Superman
People moaning about the weather at least it’s not snowing. Imagine shovelling snow in this heat.
Can’t. Doing hot girl shit.
*decapitates lemon gummy bears with glistening incisors
I’m in the other room and I hear my 3yo shout, “In your face, poop”. Then the toilet flushes. I would give anything to get that excited about pooping again.
Sorry if I unfollow you. It’s nothing personal, I just hate the things you say and do, and who you are as a person.
Robocop: I am Robotcop
Criminal: You don’t say the t you robo moron
R: [visibly confused] Pu down he gun you are under arres
TINDER SHOULD SHOW YOU WHAT AGE RANGE UR MATCHES ARE OPEN TO WHAT IF I MATCH WITH A GROWN MAN WHO HAS HIS PREFERENCES DOWN TO 18 HOLY SHIT NO BUENO
PROCTOLOGIST: *removes thermometer* ok this isn’t good
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST: it’s not the one I put in there
Hey, girl. I noticed you checking out my Hello Kitty socks. Just so you know…the boxers match.
*winks*
Wrestling is the only sport that gets more embarrassing when you become a professional.
Me: So, what was the issue?
Plumber: You had hundreds of Q-tips clogging your toilet.
Me:
Plumber:
Me: *sheepishly* I ran out of toilet paper.
Level of singleness: yelling, “pizza’s here!” So the delivery man doesn’t think all the pizza is just for me…
Don’t be part of the problem, be the whole problem
*scoops litter everyday for 17 yrs*
Kids: We want a kitten!
Me: How about unlimited candy, an Xbox and a PS5 instead?
Before any important social event or engagement I like to lightly spritz myself with a bit of hollandaise
HER: {brings me to bedroom} And this is where the magic happens.
ME: Show me {moves closer}
HER: What do you want me to do to you baby? {moves closer}
ME: {so close that our lips are almost touching} Saw me in half.
If my name was Pooh I wouldn’t wear pants either
*shows up to marathon with perfect hair* Yeah I’ve been conditioning a lot for this race
Probably the most valuable life lesson I’ve learned from a movie is to not steal black girls’ cheer routines.
I hate when people say, “Don’t worry about the things you can’t control.”
UMMMMM……HELLO!!
That’s exactly what I’m worried about!!
Er, no; we’re clearly searching for firewood. Anything you wanna talk about, bro?
Barber: Do you want to see the back?
Me: Sure
*2 minutes later*
Barber: So, this is the staff room.
I don’t wanna start the year with any negativity so if you and I have had issues in the past, apologise to me immediately.
Instead of voter fraud, why don’t they just call it Electile Dysfunction?
trump may have a point about video game violence, ever since skyrim came out i’ve been climbing to high elevations and shouting bears off of cliffs and i don’t think it’s a coincidence
Boy, are you a yellow sports car because I am embarrassed to be seen with you but I am very pleased with your performance.
Remember fellas, always take comfort in the fact that most hot girls are a fuckin pain in the arse
PRIEST: does anyone object to this marriage
ME: (clearing throat)
BRIDE:
GROOM:
PRIEST:
ME: i accidentally swallowed a Lego just now
[Half of my body is already in the anaconda]
“Is this a date? This feels like a date.”