Him: When I break something, I fix it… you should try this sometime.
Me: Uhhh I take the kids to therapy thank you very much.
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Me: “Dude, I brought another dress for you to clean.”
Dry cleaner: *takes off headphone* “Sorry, come again?”
Me: “No, mustard.”
Does anything good ever escape from a lab
*puts nose where it doesn’t belong
*is caught with hand in cookie jar
*loses head
*makes elbow macaroni
*gets fired by funeral home
my ex just blocked me on twitter but i’m not gonna text him to ask him why bc i’m mature, i respect his boundaries and also he’s already blocked my number.
[travels back in time to warn 12 year old me about playing video games too much] you become fat and lazy and-whoa Mortal Kombat 2 scoot over
What was more important than the invention of the first telephone?
The invention of the 2nd telephone
Gave money to a homeless man. A stranger lectured me on how he’s just going to spend it on drugs and alcohol..
Yeah, OK. Like I wasn’t.
One job requirement for a substitute bus driver is being able to navigate with directions given by 4th graders.
Parenting just means you have to pretend you like to eat fruits and vegetables in front of your kids knowing you’d rather eat a cheeseburger instead.
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
Seriously, soup?
If I wanted to drink my lunch I would go to a bar.
[holding the door open for a pretty woman]
Her: *smiling* Thank you, gallant sir
Me: *blushing* I aim to please
Wife: *withering* Honey, we’ve shared a bathroom for 18 years, he aims for the floor
M: I despise you
*cries over spilt milk*
*cries under spilt milk*
*cries adjacent to spilt milk*
*cries immediately to the left of spilt milk*
*cries diagona
My wife loves the sexy bulge in my sweatpants.
Until I realized she was referring to my wallet.
I forgot my earphones this morning and for a moment I thought wouldn’t it be great if my audio book had subtitles
Woah!!! You’re a much fatter family than the stick figures on your rear window would indicate!
ME: You have a bigger piece of avocado.
HUSBAND: No, but you can take mine.
ME: Yes you do, but I’m fine.
HUSBAND: Are you sure?
ME: Yes.
HUSBAND: *almost takes a bite*
ME: (sighs)
HUSBAND: Seriously, do you want this?
ME: I said I’m fine. Eat your giant avocado.
Them: Party like it’s 1999
Me: So turn off all electronics and fear airplanes will fall from the sky? OK, I’ll bring beer
If there’s one think I’ve learned from twitter it’s to never be near an American and a wood chipper
SPOUSE: No.
ME: It’s just a costume.
SPOUSE: You’re not going to your parents’ Halloween party as “the child they wished they had.”
Young mom: My baby is 34 months
Me: Oh really I’m 407 months yeah I hope you like doing math you piece of shit
A woman just pulled out her checkbook to pay for groceries and even the cultured butter dropped an f-bomb.
Why did the baker stop making donuts?
Because he was bored with the hole business.
Shout out to the lady at the gym who just yelled into her phone ‘THE ONLY PROBLEM IN MY LIFE IS YOU BRIAN’; hung up and went right back to her workout
Why do depressed people stay in bed? Beds were made for happy stuff like sex and naps and battles.
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a tired person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
5: I want to be like you, Daddy.
Me: Aww. Thanks, bud.
5: My back hurts. My neck hurts. My feet hurt.
Me:
5: My head hurts.
Me: I get it.
If I have to bless 3 or more of your sneezes, it’s an exorcism at that point. Sorry but you’re on your own.