My entire life looks like a drug deal gone bad.
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Them: If you could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead…
Me: I’d want to be alive.
a girl took a grilled cheese out of her purse and threw it across the street like a frisbee to me i never thought i’d be able to love again
I hate hipsters. Their smug faces, vegan diet, tiny feet & sawdust bedding. No wait. Hamsters. I hate hamsters.
wut hotdog?
“I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”
*turns off lights*
*giggles*
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
If I ever get trampled to death by a herd of cattle I want my obituary to say I was pasturized. Thanks.
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, why didn’t you pull over as soon as I flashed my lights?
Me: Oh, I can’t see a thing without my glasses.
i’m at the age where i have to stop myself from throat punching people who say they’re sooo old when they turn 30
I should go back to school –> I should take an online course –> I should watch tutorials on YouTube –> I should watch news bloopers on YouTube –> I’m hungry
I block people for being stupid.
…I block a lot of people.
Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves.
termite twitter scares me
I get it. You don’t want to name your baby Mary or John or Sarah or Michael or any of these old, unoriginal names when you can give it one of these new, unoriginal names.
You’re so dead to me I sent flowers to your mother
My stove is the most expensive cigarette lighter I’ve ever purchased.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [starts testing all the smoke detectors]
lawyer: your husband said he wanted his body to be embalmed like an egyptian mummy
me: yes, I’ve abided by his wishes
lawyer: he meant for you to do it after he died
asian women will be in palo alto pushing a $5000 stroller holding a birkin wearing 2-3 cartier bracelets having a 5 carat diamond ring wearing chanel sunglasses and some blonde woman wearing yoga pants at the grocery store will be like are you the nanny
Nutritionalist: you should eat 2,000 calories a day
Me: ok, how many at night?
[1st date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Her: “I’m a Herpetologist.”
Me: “Great! [pulls pants down] How bad is this?”
*sees a meteor* I wonder where that’s landing. Maybe if I run fast enough I can get crushed by it.
Don’t let people tell you that you can’t give up. You totally can. I do it all the time.
New menu item
me to the fake CIA agent: okay so you need me to put all my savings in a shoe box? all $387?
scammer: you know what never mind
Kiss me you fool.
Embrace me you dolt.
Cuddle me you simpleton.
Marry me you megalomaniac.
HAVE MY BABY YOU GARBAGE PERSON.
[1994]
Me: 2020 is gonna be wild. Flying cars, robots everywhere, a technologically advanced utopia.
[2019]
Me: Ayyy my toaster can play the Goo Goo Dolls.
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
Has there been a movie made about giant killer candy corn yet? If not, I feel like there needs to be.
If u want to sound smart just make up coding languages. Like “yeah I know DeltaCube, 17v and Amorph,” literally nobody will know theyre fake