When’s dinner?
-My kids an hour after finishing Thanksgiving dinner
You Might Also Like
Ugh, I hate when my bath sandwich gets all wet
It’s Easter, I plan to count how many eggs each kid finds.
When they ask where stuff is I’ll remind them how good they are at finding things.
Annoying when people applaud the plane landing.
Worrying when you realise it’s the pilot and cabin crew.
My kid tried to get into my phone and got locked out, when she handed it back to me she said: look mom, I made it so that no one else could get into your phone. It was such an impressive spin on events, I signed her up for journalism school.
I adopt cats because I can’t have any of my own.
I plan on being Batman for Halloween.
And now that I’ve told you all this, I realize I’m actually one shitty Batman.
[Not realizing Black Mirror episode is just stuck buffering]
“Ah yes, this is excellent social commentary”
[me, explaining my weird bedroom TV setup to my date]
We can watch whatever you want as long as it’s YouTube, Netflix, or any of the Jason Bourne movies b/c those are the only DVDs I own.
“But I don’t want to, Dad!”
“Tough”
“The people are horrible”
“You’re still going”[next day on Earth]
JESUS *grumpily* so I’m back
“No one told me we were picking weapons today. What’s left?”
– Donatello
Damn you Jehovah’s, suckered me in to opening my door. Sure,I’ll read your literature, while you read my twitter. We’ll see who converts who
Give a man a fish and he will think, “what a creepy gift.”
Teach a man to fish and he will think, “My god, I have never known such boredom.”
*Draws happy eyebrows on my dog*
maybe there’s an alternate universe where onions cry when they chop up humans, you don’t know
[family WhatsApp group]
me: I’ll visit this weekend
dad: OK
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…mom: bring a sweater, it’s cold
[first day as a preschool teacher]
ME: *sets up road cones around the construction paper*
[shakes fist at other fist]
I think that McDonalds is putting an unhealthy amount of lettuce in the Big Macs these days.
My cause of death will probably be something stupid like, she was running from a swarm of bees and got hit by a dumptruck.
Maybe dogs tilt their heads at us because they can’t roll their eyes.
Me: It’s just a piece of paper, it won’t change anything between us.
Him: It’s a police report.
If you smash someone on the head with a banjo it’s just horrible. But for half a second it sounds pretty damn funny.
[judging dog show]
DOG: [barks]
ME: [ticks clipboard] This one’s working fine
AUDIENCE MEMBER: You have misunderstood what’s required of you
“Excuse me, do you validate parking?”
I sure do, champ. *kisses your forehead* Your parking is second to none.
*Lady gives balloon to my son*
ME: What do u say?
SON: I WILL CRUSH MY ENEMIES
ME: *nervous laughter* No, the other thing
SON: Oh. Thank you
cop: can you describe the suspect
witness: he was no more than 6 feet
cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god
Caught my cats filing nuisance lawsuits again.
The new MAX app friggin ROCKS! My favorite thing is when I go to watch an episode of TV I’ve previously viewed and it brings me straight to the end credits then immediately autoplays to the next episode’s end credits as well. Smart! Everyone knows the credits are the best part ☺️
[first day as a jedi knight]
*accidentally runs light saber thru the washer and dryer*