[using Apple Pay]
Cashier: Tilt your phone
Me: *tilts*
Cashier: Closer
Me: Ok
Cashier: Stand on one leg
Me: Huh?
Cashier: Sing Apple Bottom Jeans
Me: What?
Cashier: Eat this apple
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When life gives me lemons, I make lemon meringue pie..because lemonade is for amateurs…& because I’m gay..& we always take it up a notch.
If my wife calls me passive-aggressive one more time I swear to God I’m going to run the dishwasher half-empty again
I still use my laptop to tweet. Also, I ride my horse through the shire to get to the blacksmith.
Doctor: Take this medicine. It will help with your condition.
Me: Oh, I don’t know. I don’t like the idea of taking medicine daily.
Doctor: It is also helps with weight loss.
Me: So, how many can I take in a day and still live?
My kid is mad that his little brother asked for a sip then drank all his water and I never knew justice could taste so sweet
Made my day..
I have this digital scale in my bathroom. Everyday the first thing I do is weigh myself and it shows 68 Kgs. However, if I weigh myself after I wear my specs i see 88 kgs.. hence the specs weigh 20 kgs
Pho tastes great for a food that sounds like it just gave up.
If I have 5 apples and I give you 2 of them, just take the other 3 cause I’m going out for tacos
In rest homes, when lovers have spats, do they key each other’s walkers???
*My parents at my birth*
Mom: she’s beautiful
Dad: she’s perfect.
Precognitive doctor: One day she will have a “top three” monkey gifs.
Matthew 28, John 20. Luke 24, Mark 21. That means Matthew and Luke will meet in the finals.
You know I’m all about that bass,
‘Bout that bass…
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
I had a dream where I thought I had rats in my bed but it turned out to be a passel of wiener dogs. If my subconscious mind were a person, I’d want it in jail.
Girl, are you Excel? Because I claim to know you but I’m probably oblivious to 98% of what you’re able to accomplish
Dr: What are some of your hobbies?
“I like correcting factual inaccuracies in women’s jokes on Twitter”
Dr: (writing) Not sexually active.
I try not to get political on twitter, but cinderella’s step mom was a real piece of shit
Tinder: she casually drops being a swinger into the conversation
Me: ah yes, been there… I too have regular mood fluctuations
Guy science: The proper amount of time for a pan to soak before cleaning it is until you need to use it again.
STOP TEXTING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
got kicked out of Home Depot for trying to ride the forklift into the bathroom again
[guy in charge of naming superheroes]
Superman, next
Batman, next
Wonder Woman, next
Aquaman, next
*takes a hit of acid*
Green Lantern
As always, Wile E. Coyote’s plan had unexpected consequences.
FUN FACT:
Bears hibernate in the winter just to get away from Christmas music…
Amazon Prime sounds like a great dating site for Super Fierce Cougars.
Her: He cheated on me with my best friend!! 😭
Me: 😐☹️
Me: I thought I was your best friend 😭
this isn’t my first rodeo
– what my 5yr old just yelled as he wrote “rodeo” for the 2nd time
Everyone makes mistakes. Please make yours far from me.
going to the gym to throw donuts at all the skinny people
Me: c’mon get back in the car
Serial killer vehemently shakes his head no