Sorry kids, if Santa were real he’d have a podcast by now
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The first rule of Tall Girl Club is we must introduce ourselves by telling eachother where we were able to find pants
when you do a big stretch & hear a crackling noise, that’s ur bones clapping because you did a good job
Just looked in my 8 yr old son’s bedroom and I’m pretty sure it can’t be ruled out that the Malaysian jet may be in there somewhere.
6: Can I have a baby sister?
Me *panicking*: Uh, well, the problem is that you can’t choose so the baby might be a boy.
6: Then can I have a turtle?
I’m sorry I got you birth control for Christmas and said it was my gift to the world.
Trust me, your laptop is dishwasher safe
Praying Mantis wife: Are u cheating on me?
Praying Mantis husband [his missing head replaced by a marble]: What on earth gave u that idea?
My kid set up a play office then kicked me out so he could have a meeting, which…I mean…fair enough
When God closes a door, he opens a window. Our heating bill is outrageous & six raccoons got in last night. Please God, this has to stop.
How do I answer the question “do you react well to anesthesia?” if I’m not allergic & I wake up fine but also when I had a colonoscopy I told the doctor he looked like a sexy Aladdin & when my gallbladder was removed I started singing “Smoke on the Water” to the scrub nurse?
TEENS IN THE 70S: let’s protest war
TEENS IN THE 80S: let’s protest capitalism
TEENS IN THE 90S: let’s rage against the machine
TEENS TODAY: let’s eat laundry detergent
Me: “Bond.”
*lowers sunglasses*
“James Bond.”Cashier: “You’ve been doing that for 35 minutes. Are you going to buy the sunglasses or not?”
7: can we have an awake-over tonight?
me: an awake-over?
7: it’s like a sleepover but without the sleep
Fish look like they’re constantly being surprised by something.
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
Just tried to parallel park. 5 people are injured, 3 critical, 6 missing. The casualties continue to mount
[opening presents on the 5th day of christmas]
“I’m gonna be real with you Karen if there’s more birds in this box I’m leaving you”
Put together a list of the PROS and CONS of pizza for those of you who are on the fence!
Like, obviously I’m against a baby fight club on a moral basis but in terms of humor it’s gold
so long suckers! i rev up my motorcylce and create a huge cloud of smoke. when the cloud dissipates im lying completely dead on the pavement
Me: *just woke up*
My gym bro: dude you look like you just woke up
Me: *panics in just have been woken up*
A cup of water A cup of water
when it’s in when it spills
a cup on the table
well well well, if it isn’t the consequences (dying of the plague) of my own actions (putting a rat i found in an alley under my hat to help me cook hotdogs better)
welcome to your parents’ house, where the wifi password is fEtbqP2LVp3U6Hkh
[working in garage]
“Hand me a screwdriver, son”
A flat one?
“No”
[mixes vodka and Orange Crush] Here ya go
I listen to your prayers, but only to correct their grammar.
“Wow, it’s pouring out there.”
“Just let a smile be your umbrella!”
“That’s not how rain works, Karen.”
It’s like ten thousand tweets when all you need is a life.
Girl: I love Medieval Art
Boy: Who doesn’t? There he is now
Medieval Art: Good morrow! Pray tell- How fare thee on this day of providence?