disguised vampire: i put my sweat and tears into this project
boss: what about blood
disguised vampire: huh?
boss: *narrowing eyes* you do have blood right
disguised vampire: haha vhat do u mean
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I hate when people ask me “how do you feel your presentation went?”
Excuse me I blacked out & astral projected the entire time, you tell me
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.😁
Harry Potter is realistic because it normally takes a kid 10 years to tell a story.
“We’ll get you another ball, Hank.”
Anyone want a free car? Angry bee inside but otherwise, perfect.
Tried a smile yesterday and my white blood cells attacked it.
Just saw a guy wearing a hat that says “Don’t Bother Me,” so I asked him where he got it & how much it cost & whether or not it works.
{If autocorrect was a person}
ME: I think that’s right.
AUTOCORRECT: It’s not.
ME: Then what is it?
AUTOCORRECT: I don’t know, dude. Aubergine?
ME: You think I meant aubergine?
AUTOCORRECT: Look, I know literally all of the words, and that was none of them. Maybe this is on you.
I know I’m more literater than you because of my fancificacious vocabularianistic wordicisms.
[shark tank]
Me: have u ever wanted to eat the luggage tag on ur bag after a flight
Mark cuban: no
Me: look no further
One of my friends had a baby today, and another got a puppy. I think we all know which one I’m going to visit.
My son’s favourite magic trick is making a single glove disappear
I have felt uncomfortable before. But we were just passed by a slow moving hearse and funeral cars… My son is dressed as the grim reaper.
He f**ng waved.
[Girl’s night out]
Girl 1: Omg I haven’t had sex in so long, I swear I have cobwebs down there
Spider-Man’s GF: *nervous laugh* HAHA SAME
“I need a woman who can help me grow”
First of all, I’m not Fertilizer.
Are my affairs in order? What, like chronologically or alphabetically or largest to smallest? Because then still no.
Him: Hey, we haven’t spoken in months!
Me *grabs his face* and now you’ve ruined it
Girls have Galentine’s day but I just gave my buddy a 12 pack of beer and called it a dozen broses.
a rare painting of a porcu’melon
Why is Christopher Nolan a genius? Because even if his movie flops it won’t come up when you search “Oppenheimer bomb”.
[God creating armadillos]
Shove that mouse into a seashell
I don’t care if it’s immature or not, I’m pausing my age until this bullshit is over.
I’ve lost my pet pigeon in London. His full name is Immanuel Kant, but he’s a bit old and deaf, so if you’re in London, please go to Trafalgar Square and keep shouting “Kant” as loud as you can, and see if you can find him for me. Thanks.
#NationalPetDay
Rose: [in Titanic] I’ll never let go, Jack
Jack: 🥶
Elsa from Frozen: lol know what would be funny right now
Alarm clock that releases spiders… NOW you’re up. Million dollar idea.
*runs in out of breath*
Friend: what’s going on?
Me: [heavy breathing] bear with me
Friend: Ok *waits*
*bear runs in, also out of breath*
[At bar]
*all sweaty after doing the worm*
Me: *out of breath* see anything you like?
Her: called 911, thought you were having a seizure.
Westjet tells you to show up 2 hours early, which usually means you’ll be arriving at the airport 8 hours before your flight leaves.
Boss: It’s Labor Day. Everyone gets the day off to celebrate all the hard work they do during the year.
Me: Is that why I’m-
Boss: That’s why you’re working.
What idiot called it a witch hunt and not the War on Seance?