[commercial for soup]
NARRATOR: ever wanna drink a sandwich?
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[First day of jury duty]
*whispers to fellow juror* Psst. Hi! Sorry, first day in court haha. So when does the jester perform?
If a necromancer isn’t someone who gives you hickies, then I’m not interested.
You know what else is terrible these days? Quests. They used to be an epic journey to slay a dragon and save the local townspeople. Now it’s just trying to find organic chia seeds in Wholefoods.
Accidentally used the dog’s shampoo today, and I’m feeling like such a good girl.
Whoever taught my five-year-old daughter how to “air quote,” I need to speak with you privately.
Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for stupid people.
Ouija™ board by Milton Bradley – because if anyone can bridge the gap between the living and the dead, it’s the folks who brought you Hungry Hungry Hippos.
If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.
Me: I signed my son up for an appointment with a child psyhcologist
Doctor: That’s me
Me: but you’re an adult
Doctor: and a child psychologist
Me: how
Me: If you take them out of their natural habitat they seek revenge by burning your tounge
Sis:
M:
S: That’s a pizza roll. You’re high
I always try to compliment people, even if it’s just, “Wow, I’ve never seen clothes worn like that before.” or “You have a dope overbite.”
My cat: thank you so much for the new luxurious window seat
Me: it’s literally a suitcase on a chair
My cat: it’s perfect I love it
My cat: the folded sweatpants on top are a nice touch too
“I just threw up in my mouth a little.” – Cows
My dream catcher has asked for hazard pay.
I shot my first Turkey today. Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section, it was awesome!
Wife: Sleep tight, don’t let the bed bugs bite!
Me: Haha funny.
[under the mattress]
Bed Bug King: TONIGHT WE DINE IN HELL *tiny drums bang*
me: ok, we’re all tired, let’s go to bed
5yo: what did you do to be tired?
me: *eye twitches*
that’s my husband on the left and me on the right
Me: if a ghostbuster dies and becomes a ghost, do they have to bust themselves
Interviewer: that’s an excellent question about the job
Sometimes I lie and tell my husband I spent $300 at Costco so he’ll stop talking to me.
“I took care of your clown problem.”
why are self checkouts ever closed? am I on break?
John Bobbitt: How long has it been since you last did one of these, doc?
Plastic Surgeon: Well, it has been a while. But I’m sure I can re-member.
DAVID BLAINE: *cracks open egg, butterfly flies out*
ME: cmon man
DB: *cracks open 2nd egg, 9 of clubs pops out*
ME: I’m so hungry, David
Marriage counsellor: What’s the problem?
Wife: He is so literal. It drives me mad.
MC: And how do you feel, Stephen?
Me: With my hands.
I swear Amazon is just dropping random shit off in front of my house at this point.
i feel like so much miscommunication could be avoided if we all just stopped talking
When my therapist asks how my anxiety level has been
It’s so cold, my dentures are chattering as they soak.
I’m with North Korea when comes to being offended by James Franco and Seth Rogen.