My boss told me I scare and intimidate people including my co-workers
so I challenged him to a staredown.
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The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.
Me: No guts, no glory.
Skeleton: Wow, I’m like right here.
My pants embarrassed me in front of a chick again. How many times must I tell them that it’s rude to point???
Balloons are all fun and games til they start to deflate and float around at eye level being terrifying
I forgot the term “stylist” so I said “exterior decorator.”
Watched Dahmer with my grandma and she kept talking about ways to get that smell out of the house.
Very concerning
[teaching son to swim]
Me: get this wrong & you die
Ah to hear the music of the angles!
[God creating puffer fish] take that hedgehog and throw it into the goddamn ocean
Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.
ME: *sees my shadow* holy shit i’m a groundhog
I call people weirdos a lot for someone who can’t leave their house without checking the stove 3x even If I haven’t cooked on it since 2009.
My kid saw everything that was going to be from Santa in my saved-for-later cart on Amazon, so now my options are to start Christmas shopping from scratch or to persuade my kid that Amazon works for Santa.
Me: *about to get kidnapped* What kind of puppy?
Why did God make Trolls World Tour so hard to say?
At least six times I day I stare at my desk and wonder which object will injure me enough to get me out of work but not hurt that much.
Guns don’t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.
I think it might be my birthday but I deleted my facebook account so I really have no way of knowing.
“Now, tilt your head and give me total scumbag!” – Realtor headshot photographer
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
Instead of yelling “Hello?” when u think a murderer’s in your home, say “Goodbye” Then if he’s there he’ll be like well OK guess I’m leaving
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
5: can i play the wii?
me: does mommy usually let u guys this early in the morning?
5:
me:
5: but she’s still sleeping!!
me: i don’t want to die today.
Really, iTunes? You need to update my calculator app? Have there been changes to basic math that I’m unaware of?
I tried playing dead to see how my 6 yr old would react… turns out if i die he’ll poke me and go down stairs and eat chips…
Just found out you can buy more hangers. You don’t have to choose which clothes go on the 9 hangers you’ve somehow had your entire life and keep the rest in a pile.
The leading method of suicide in Albania is attempting to kidnap Liam Neeson’s daughter.
December birthdays be like…
I just found that there’s such a thing as a cheese shop and now I’m changing my vacation plans.
Me: But what about the time I saw 9 sets of footprints in the sand?
Jesus: Hey man it’s a public beach