[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
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Me: I got the vaccine!
MIL: I’m coming for a visit
Me: I don’t want it anymore!
What idiot called them haunted houses and not bad manors?
8: mummy would you like me to give you a massage every evening
Me: you will inherit everything I own
HGTV has taught me you can do anything if you have the right tools. I’ve also learned that any handyman you hire will have those tools.
FBI: you are so busted!
Me: omg thanks 🤭
I’ve never watched paint dry but I did watch Windows update for 5 years.
welcome to janurary 32nd everyone
The cat knocked over my coffee in the home office this morning and I’ve reported her to HR. In other news, HR has hired my cat.
If cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want.
My husband coughed and then I coughed from another room. This is our version of echolocation.
Phone: Unlock using Face ID.
Me: [looks at phone]
Phone: Ugh.
Restless leg syndrome does not give you the right to swiftly kick people whenever you feel like it. I know that now.. 😆
Fun fact: Snakes don’t exist. They were made up by scientists in 1923 as a joke that went too far so they just kinda rolled with it
lawyer: I haven’t won a case since last year’s hearing loss.
me: what was the hearing for?
lawyer: WHAT?
me: the hearing.
lawyer: WHAT?
Friend: wanna do a Boston marathon with me?
Me: is that on Netflix?
kinda rude that my bank told me how much money i spent on food this month. what if i didn’t want to know that
I feel it is only fair for a recipe to indicate up front how many burners it requires. For example a 3 burner recipe would be a no.
*Leaving the bar with a hot girl*
Girl: I’m on my menstrual cycle. I hope you don’t mind.
Me: Not a problem. I’m on my moped, I’ll follow you.
Thank goodness it’s open for most of Octermeber
I’m taking part in a scavenger hunt. I have already killed twelve scavengers
I’m pretty sure when Kenny Rogers said we gotta know when to fold em, he was talking about slices of pizza
a female xylophonist is called a xxlophonist.
In a cementary, I saw a guy crouching behind a tombstone. Morning, I said. No, he said, just taking a dump… .
Hey y’all, I finally got a smart phone. I’m a big girl now!
Anyone got a 5 year old I can borrow to teach me how to use the damn thing?
HOST: Welcome to “Die or Get Killed” the game show that no one survives
ME: Glad to be here, Mort
Me: [in kitchen] today we’re going to replace my wife’s coffee with a live badger, let’s see if she notices
Wife: [from other room] hey you better not be in there replacing my coffee with a live badger
Getting closure is important.
*lies on bed to zip up jeans*
I said I was mad at myself.
My 4yo son looked at me. “There are fancier words for mad,” he said, fixing my hair. “You should say irritated.”
The five stages of Sunday: depression, anger, bargaining, acceptance, HBO
The problem with hiding snacks from my kid is that when I forget they end up being hidden from me too