“you’re the first girl i’ve brought here”
the bartender:
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It’s like my nana always said, “If you choose your friends wisely, you’ll never have good drugs.”
Why is it when I buy something a size up and want it to shrink it stays exactly the same size. But when I buy something that fits perfectly it comes out of the dryer looking like it was made for a small child? I’m pretty sure it’s a conspiracy by Big Textile.
My wife said she’d leave me if I didn’t stop using terrible similes, but like a horse scuba diving, I couldn’t stop.
I want to make fun of kanye but I’m always losing my shit on the internet too.
It feels mighty hypocritical.
If I’m flirting, you’ll know it by how uncomfortable you become.
Promised myself that today I wouldn’t steal anything, kill anyone or use any Meatloaf song lyrics in a sentence & two out of three ain’t bad
When you forgot you made garlic sauce with the sour cream, and then proceed to bake banana bread.
Anyone want some garlic banana bread?
[date]
HER: no more Scooby Doo imitations
ME: ok
WAITER: today’s special is baby octopus
ME: [Shaggy voice] zoinks
HER: I’m done
ME: ruh roh
Damn, my printer is needy af. Always asking for more paper or more ink. I give and give and then it tells me it doesn’t think we have a connection.
“I want this one, but look at this one, oh, but this one is my FAVORITE!”-
-my kids looking through Christmas catalogs or me driving past multi-million dollar houses
Escape rooms are a fun way to discover you’re the dumbest in your friend group
How funny would it be if NASA discovered a sign on Mars that read, “Congratulations humans, level 1 completed!”
EARTH: Let’s just be friends
MOON: Ok I understand [circles the earth for 4 billion years]
*opens up briefcase in court, revealing snakes*
“Wait. Then that means-”
[cut to my nemesis waking up surrounded by my opening statement]
4yo: When you’re 9, you can drive
Me: Pretty sure you have to be older
4yo: Some people can drive at 9
Me: A little older
4yo: Ya, it’s 9
When life hands you alligators, make gator aid.
[Prison]
ME: Just don’t mention anything about breaking free & they won’t suspect a thing*guard enters*
FREDDIE MERCURY *clears throat*
Thank God all of Texas can un-pucker again while they sleep.
*hands envelope to Santa*
I trust you’ll remember this donation to your toy factory when you’re deciding which list I belong on.
“LUKE CHECK OUT HOW HARD I CAN CRY”
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
Me: I don’t want to hear it, I want to feel it!
Also me: Not like that!
This year I’m gonna get healthy and start dating and find a husband and shit rainbows and ride a unicorn. It’s good to have goals.
my mom: we found this under your bed and we are very disappointed *pulls out copy of “drugs for dummies”*
my dad: lol nerd
Alice: I’m late.
White Rabbit: Haha, that’s my line
Alice:
White Rabbit:
Alice: *stares*
White Rabbit: oh shit
Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent’s face there is no known comeback.
My kid just locked me out of the house in 95 degree weather, but sure, “it goes by so fast.”
Girl twin: mummy stop the car!!
Me: what happened?!
GT: stop the car!
Me: are you ok?!
GT: STOP THE CAR!!! *cries*
Boy twin: *cries*
Me: *stops car* what’s wrong?!!
GT: mummy!
Me: what is it?!
GT: oh it’s ok I couldn’t see my shoes but they’re on my feet
Me: *cries*
I always wink at the local Funeral Director, because he will be the last one to see me naked, and I don’t want it to be awkward.