why is it called godzilla vs kong instead of when hairy met scaly
You Might Also Like
Don’t mistake my kindness, or my inability to do one (1) pull-up, for weakness.
Benjamin Button
Started off dead
Violets are blue
Roses are red
Whenever I say bad words like ‘diet’, I wash my mouth out with doughnuts.
My 4yo: Mommy do you know that a grownup could fit in a suitcase if they were really really flexible?
She’s making plans to dispose of my body y’all.
Stop giving me dirty looks, lady. I wasn’t flirting with your husband. I was looking at his nachos.
Controlling my life lately has been like trying to fit an alligator for a retainer.
If you suddenly stand up and shout “IT’S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE” you can walk out of work and not come back and no one will even ask about it.
You found poison in his stomach? But he HATED poison!
ESPN just did a Top 5 Greatest Comebacks of All Time and there was some guy running with a ball but like literally no mention of Jesus
If you ever catch me staring blankly during our conversation it’s because I can’t remember if it’s my turn to say words or yours.
The wife declined my suggestion we try a different position in the bedroom for a change.
Apparently she’s more than satisfied with the existing two rooms/two beds arrangement.
[at a dinner party]
Me: hey can I get a picture of the table?
Everyone: *leans in, faces me, smiles*
Me: you’re all blocking the table
You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together & there was only one life jacket, I’d miss you and think of you often.
A tweet about the Titanic & speech impediments?
Unthinkable.
Don’t wear pajamas in public. You don’t know who you might run into, like the person who saw you wearing them yesterday.
When deescalating an argument with your wife, always use empathetic phrases like “look lady”
Tired of true crime podcasts? Then check out my fake crime podcast. In the next episode I go into detail about how back in 1997, my grandma was mugged by a rhinoceros.
my New Year’s Eve plans:
– sleep until 11:59 PM
– wake up to watch the ball fall
– practice writing 2024 a few times
– go to bed
[sex in car]
ME: Remember when you could do this without fear of strangers watching?
BF: Yes
UBER DRIVER: Would you like a water?
people with the flu: *stay in bed*
people with corona:
My toddler just screamed GET OFF MY LAWN to her brother so it’s nice to know I’m not the only one becoming a totally different person right now
What I wanted to do was look cute making dirt angels for Earth Day. What I did was ruin an entire outfit.
I’ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people
I’m learning how to do weight training by lifting dogs. I picked up a few pointers yesterday
A quick visual guide to footballing pain.
Nobody:
My 6-year-old: Can somebody in this building PLEASE tell me if black bears are nice?
Dad: “GO TO YOUR ROOM NOW!”
Child: *storms off* “JIM MORRISON WAS OVERRATED!”
Dad: “WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT SLAMMING THE DOORS!?”
Cause of death: Very rough shirt tag
Twitter action film:
MAN 1: Follow me.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
MAN 1: No. Physically, follow me. Or you’ll be killed.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
There’s a Canadian on vacation somewhere in Florida right now telling everyone they meet Y’ALL DONT KNOW WHAT COLD IS