I had a rough childhood. I saw things that no one should ever have to see. For example, The Phantom Menace.
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Me (young, naive): I can’t wait to grow up and buy all the candy I want
Me (now): I’ll give you $100 to stop me from eating this entire cake
timmy was starting to wonder just how badly he really wanted that archery badge
What personal space?
My dog
Everyone talks shit about the Salem Witch Trials but there hasn’t been a witch attack in like 300 years.
HAPPY EARTH DAY!
Suck it, Neptune.
British Friend: Bloody hell its 39°; peas are in the pot innit
Me: *no idea what that means* haha same
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a tired person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
OMG I opened the door to let the dog in and there was a slug on the door AND IT GOT ON MY HAND SO I SCREAMED LIKE A TODDLER AND THE DOG ATE IT TO PROTECT ME. And now we are both embarrassed.
Them: you’re 30 and still living with your parents!?!
Me, visibly perplexed: WHO’S PARENTS AM I SUPPOSED TO LIVE WITH THEN!!?!
Be your mom’s favorite by not having to make her count to three.
[Thor Love and Thunder]
me: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* FOUR FOR THOR 4 at 4:44 POR FAVOR SEÑOR
cinema guy: please stop doing this
I once spent some time with my grandson’s second grade class so I think I have a pretty good idea of how government works.
ME: Avenge my death
CO-WORKER: That’s just a paper cut
ME: [coughs, grabs his collar] DON’T YOU NORMALIZE THIS
A shoemaker called yesterday and yelled at me because I hadn’t picked up the boots he repaired. It’s been one week. He said they’ve been there since October. (They haven’t.) I said, “WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT ME?” He said he yelled at all his customers.
cop: I pulled you over for playing ’WAP’ at full volume
me: is there a law against it?
cop: not really, but you’re driving a hearse in a funeral procession
Wife: “Bad day?”
Me: “Stupidhead boss treats me like a kid.”
Wife: “Now now *pats head* eat your nuggets before they get cold.”
HUMPTY DUMPTY: Quick, put me back together!
TOTO: There’s nothing that 100 men or more could ever do.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: …maybe call the horses?
Jane Austen really squandered the opportunity to write a sequel called “2 Proud 2 Prejudiced.”
Just moisturized my hands and now I can’t get out of the bathroom. Send help.
I accidentally hired a wordsmith instead of a locksmith and now my latched threshold has been compromised by a metallic puzzle solver.
[interview]
Where do you see yourself in the next 5 years?
Me: “OMG I’M NOT A PSYCHIC THE SIGN SAID NO SKILLS REQUIRED!”
If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
I like wearing a pullover because the name is also instructions. There’s none of the trial and error that comes with other types of clothing. You just pull it straight over your legs.
Wife: I left the kids with you for a half hour & they dumped 3 pounds of sugar in the dryer trying to make cotton candy.
Me: Did it work?
“What’s your name?”
“I am Daenerys Targaryen, Mother of Dragons, Khaleesi to Drogo’s riders-”
*Starbucks barista quits on the spot*
Alexa, give me the winning lottery numbers for tonight
[sprays air freshener so my date can’t tell i just took a shit]
uber driver: what was that
Cop: Why are you speeding?
Me: I’m super late for work
Cop: Ok, I need you to slow down
Me: Sorry. I’m…..super….late….for……work
Honey, why do these IKEA sofa instructions show a hammer, two allen keys and a divorce lawyer’s office?