Him: What dat mouf do?
Me: Talk a lot of shit and eat fried chicken.
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I found the perfect sign for my ‘horse haters’ club
[Audition for the musical Cats]
Director: Act like a cat for me
Me: I’m not doing anything to impress you
Director: Perfect
I empty the recycling bin on my computer like someone’s actually gonna come along and say “ew gross this bin needs emptied”
wowww it’s 2021 here in korea!! wanna know what the future is like?!!
– it is dark out
– everyone is asian
– my grandma is gently snoring
Nietzsche: God is dead
God: Nietzsche is dead
[they both turn to camera]
THAT’S RIGHT, WE’RE DEAD SERIOUS ABOUT OUR MATTRESS PRICES
*gets pulled over by police*
*shows a little skin*
Officer: “Who’s skin is that? Please step out of the vehicle sir.”
my mother is taking me to see the monday matinee showing of the barbie movie as a mother should.
FIRST KID: I’d rather not medicate her.
SUBSEQUENT CHILDREN: *Googles, “How much Benadryl will make her sleep for three days straight?”*
Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it
Me: *slowly opens pizza box*
Alien: dude
Woman: *being eaten by a Werewolf* My god, they’re right. Your hair IS perfect!
Eve: Wrong hole!
Adam: Sorry, it’s my first time. How do U know it’s the wrong hole? No one has done this before, it’s just us two you know
My 2-year old son wears a “Jurassic Park” t-shirt like he’s some big fan but I know for a fact he’s never seen it.
Don’t be a poser bro
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
– Lift doors shutting as someone approaches
– “Tickets please”
– “It’s 3 for 2 if you want to go get another one”
– Doorbells
[first date]
ME: That’s a pretty name.
CASSIE: Thank you!
ME: Is it short for Casserole?
I tried to pause the baby monitor when my baby woke up early from a nap instead of the Netflix show I was watching. It didn’t work.
THEN WHY IS HE WEARING A BOWTIE? I WANT TO GIVE HIM SPAGHETTI
Karma is my daughter bragging about getting to sleep late this week and forgetting to turn off her alarm.
Wife: Where did all this glitter come from?
Me: Jake, at State Farm.
Wow, my son running for student body president just punched a kid on the school newspaper & then the school board made my son the principal.
prince of whales, doo doo doo doo doo doo
Out in public, my husband and I only argue using whale sounds, so it’s actually a very calm and soothing experience for people around us.
When you go out with a couple on the brink of divorce.
If a man shows up with cotton eyes, my first question won’t be about his travel itinerary.
Me : Dating is tough. Lots of weirdos out there ..
Me on first Date : so here’s everything I know about the Jonestown massacre.!
We just got new neighbors and if they play their cards right I won’t know anything about them just like what’s-his-name that lived there before them.
*sees baby*
*feels sad that my kids aren’t babies anymore*
*sees look of exhausted despair in baby’s parents eyes*
*sadness evaporates*
How old do I look?
9yo: 30
Aww, you deserve ice crea-
9yo: Just like grandma
-m but too bad you’re not getting any
how did people track fundraising before the invention of the thermometer
[blind date]
HER: I’ve been reading up on Plato
ME {trying to impress her}: I know from experience you shouldn’t eat it