my brain: eat
me: okay, what should we make
my brain: no make, only eat
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Kid: How did you meet daddy?
Me: Well, it all started with a friendly game of spin the bottle at the family reunion…
If one more teenager calls me ‘mam,’ I’m gonna
…probably let them carry my groceries because I’m old and life’s hard.
HITMAN: Your husband’s sleeping with the fishes
MERMAID: I know, that’s why I want him killed
Just know someone out there is thinking of you, and how to make your death look like an accident.
Friends don’t let friends buy cinnamon scented decorative brooms.
April is alcohol awareness month…..I think we’re all aware.
Cheers!
[traffic stop]
COP: where ya headed?
ME: on my way home
COP: *shining flashlight in my backseat*
ME: look at me when I’m speaking to you
“Sir how did you survive the snowmageddon?”
“I stayed in”
“Oh”
I dropped a whole bowl of Munchie Mix on the floor in case you’re wondering where the dogs got their newfound appreciation for my athletic prowess.
People are all wanting a Morgan Freeman voiceover on their GPS. And I’m over here wanting Donald Duck.
9am: Very busy day today, I need to focus & stay off the internet
1pm: did you know that Texas has the largest population of prairie dogs?
Jan 1st: Avocado on whole grain toast with a protein shake
Jan 20th: Syrup comes from a tree so technically it’s a vegetable
Make bowling your first date. If he rents small shoes and jams his fingers in the wrong holes don’t bother with a second.
Headline: “Female-named hurricanes kill more than male hurricanes because people don’t respect them, study finds”.
AKA, “My eye is up here”.
My kids act like they’re afraid of monsters, when they are literally the most terrifying creatures I’ve ever met.
We took family pictures with an actual photographer today. No one argued, no one yelled, no one whined, no one cried. Years from now we can look at these photos and say, “this is how we never were.”
My daughter wrote “Daddy is the best” in the snow then smashed it when I made her come inside. She’ll make some lucky guy miserable one day.
George Washington only said “I cannot tell a lie” because he never had to fill out a kid’s reading log.
It’s cute when I put everything back where it belongs, and my family thinks I rearranged the house.
If you’re charging me $15 for apple cider at a hayride it better contain enough booze to enable me to see a headless horseman.
You can’t fix stupid but you can fantasize about slapping the shit out of it.
*tornado warning*
*sirens blaring outside*
*every phone in the house beeping emergency alerts*Me, frantic: EVERYONE GET INTO THE BATHTUB!
Son: I’m one of 3 left in this Fortnite game, hang on.
If you’re still trying to decide on your plans for Easter weekend, ask yourself “What would Jesus do?” and definitely don’t do that.
You’re lifting weights dude, you’re not in labor. Settle down.
9YO: What will we be watching for the the family movie night
Me: Hang on, give me a…
7YO *sighs*: … We’ll be watching daddy play 24 trailers and then fall asleep
Tombstones should just say how old the person was. I don’t wanna walk around doing grave math.
him: anything to declare
me: i don’t really like soup
everyone else in customs: [GASP]
When angered, the female can text message at speeds of up to 1,600 words per minute.
Brain: I see you’re trying to sleep. Let me ruin your night by playing your worst memory from high school.
TV led me to believe there would always be a potted plant to hide behind when needed.
Alas, this is not so.