You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of America wouldn’t notice… until they needed to wink at somebody.
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I Knew Better, But I Did It Anyway: A Memoir
Yelling out the answers to Blues clues to absolutely own my 4 year-old and his know-it-all friends.
Boss: You’re
Me: Doing great?
B: No, I’m letting you
M: Have the corner office?
B: go.
M: Why?
B: Constantly completing my sentences wrong.
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about walking down the aisle.
Well my name’s Harry Potter and I’m here to say
That half of my movies looked wet and gray
God: you run really fast.
Horse: sweet.
God: people ride you in circles for sport.
Horse: kindof weird but ok
God: also don’t break a leg.
Horse: why?
God:
Horse: God? why?
You learn something every day
The mailman told my husband he banged every woman on the block, except for 1, I told him it had to be Carol next door, she’s really not friendly
Before I had kids I thought there were only three, maybe four places you could put stickers. I was wrong. So, so wrong.
You know you have something special w someone when u start finishing their sentences. But enough about me & my local Subway sandwich artist
1 year older today, and still no closer to growing up
[trying on a camouflage jacket]
Me: how much is this
Store Clerk: how much is what
*alarm goes off* me: how much do I really NEED this job?
For the love of God, what is Jesus saving? Is it coupons? I bet it’s coupons
I wouldn’t mind being put on hold so much if companies programmed in a jukebox so I could pick the music I listen to while I wait
* Runs Baywatch-style into oncoming traffic *
a couple months ago i had a plumber come to my house and he spent the whole time talking about how he was also justin bieber’s plumber and then he broke both of my toilets which begs the question: does justin bieber have working plumbing?
Yes I have strong principles, no they do not guide my behavior in any way. And that’s Valid.
My package got from New York to Chicago in the same business day. Over the next four days it has traveled less than 20 miles, although it moves every day. I think it is walking here.
I just want to be rich enough one day to name my kid after an Australian mammal or something found in my spice rack.
Hey did you know that if you step on the gas and brake at the same time your car takes a screenshot.
Having little kids is great because I love spending hundred of dollars each week to feed my floor and my trash can
When people don’t drink coffee, it’s like ok but how do you solve the problem of being awake??
Wife: Please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[Later]
Them: So how did you two meet?
Me: I did NOT buy her on eBay
[Prison]
ME: Just don’t mention anything about breaking free & they won’t suspect a thing*guard enters*
FREDDIE MERCURY *clears throat*
What’s the biggest gaffe you’ve ever made? Mine was congratulating a coworker on a non-existant pregnancy. Turns out he’d just gotten really fat.
I have entirely too many new bruises for someone who isn’t getting laid
It’s weird how many people at my office are named “Hey.”
Why bother drinking water? You’re just gonna pee it out. This is what Big Water doesn’t want you to know.
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda