“NOAH. YOU WILL BUILD AN ARK”
k
“NOT “K” THIS IS IMPORTANT”
Sorry
“THATS OK. TAKE 2 OF EVERY ANIMAL ON IT”
Even fish?
*THUNDER*
“NO NOT FISH
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Your phone dying is god’s way of telling you to plug it into an outlet and lie in an awkward position so you can continue doing whatever it is you’re going to hell for
A drone, but for seeing which fast food drive-thrus have the shortest line
If I leave out a comma it’s because I don’t want you to breathe.
[on a first date]
Her: Have you ate here before?
Me: Yeah, my wife and I come here all the time
BREAKING: Metropolitan Police have stated that whoever broke into Scotland Yard last night and locked all their case files in a picnic basket has seriously hampered their investigations.
Of course bears shit in the woods, they do most of their stuff in the woods, very few bears own a house.
I wish my ex could look down from heaven see my “look at me now” life!
but nooooo, he’s still alive
Casual: Rob a bank
Fancy: Robert a bank
Look, when I said I would “do anything” to bring Eurydice back from the Underworld I obviously meant “besides walk in a straight line without turning around”
[China]
“You have to get good grades”
KID: But it’s so hard!
“We’re Can-tonese not Cant-tonese”
KID: You gotta admit that’s a bit confusing
[marriage counseling]
She’s always getting mad at me
“There’s a shark living in our pool”
IT WAS SHARK WEEK AND HE WAS ON SALE, KAREN
detective: dammit *slams fist on table* tell me where he is
me: [confidently] the Fourth of July picnic
detective: but where exactly?
me: *holding where’s waldo book* oh i’m gonna need more time
LOST DOG: 4 year old border collie. Still living at home but doesn’t know what to do with his life.
If Anubis tried to weigh my heart to pass judgment on my eternal soul I would chase that dog with a vacuum cleaner
[Snake Owners Club]
Thanks for coming. A reminder, stuffing an animal into a sock does NOT make it a snake.
[Me & like 3 other guys leave]
When a kid is mean to my kid…
(what I say): Let’s rise above their anger and show kindness
(what I want to say): MY WRATH WILL SWEEP THEIR FAMILY TREE WITH THE VENGEANCE OF 1,000 SUNS
Caught my girlfriend having sex with an abstract artist. He said “it’s not what it looks like”
Just left WalMart. All the cute well behaved kids must be at Target.
I’ve been through a lot in this last month, but by far the most horrific thing to happen to me was broccoli on pizza. Never again.
Told the kids me and husband were having adult time and under no circumstances were they to disturb us for the next 5-6 minutes
I like in RPGs when you kill a wild animal and it has, like, $5 and a spoon on it for some reason
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. He changed the wifi password before he left.
Dracula: you will become a creature of the night. Not alive, but not dead. You will thirst for blood and haunt the land for eternity
Me: but I can play video games all the time, forever?
Dracula: in theory…yes
Me: ok let’s do this
CAUTION : THE ROADS ARE SO DANGEROUS RIGHT NOW UNLESS YOU WANNA GO GET ME SOME BAGELS, THEN THEY ARE FINE
The great thing about playing the accordion is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
grandmas are always like “not enough meat on your bones” the only reasonable explanation being that at a certain age every grandma starts giving serious thought to cooking her family and eating them
Me *starts peeling potatoes*
My kid: are the fries ready yet?
Is 5 years too long of a time to reconnect with an old friend to let them know you got home okay?