Everything is about balance. A sombrero with strawberries on the one side and melons on the other, can and will cause you certain problems, I know this now
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Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
Being betrayed by a friend is sad but being betrayed by your food is devastating
Me: we can all get along and live in unity
Me 2 seconds later behind a couponer at the store: ok no we can’t
nothing says 2019 like when you group text your family from the bathroom to bring you toilet paper
Animal Control just came into this Dairy Queen looking for a raccoon. I said nothing, and passed another chicken tender to the guy in a mask under my table.
Travel Tips
1. Pack light
2. Dress comfortably
3. Bring a book
4. Anything can happen
5. You’ll probably get killed
6. Don’t leave the house
I bought a new BMI smart scale so that I could have a technologically advanced and detailed reason to cry every morning.
I’m hosting a mommy group next week and am thinking of buying a bunch of “how to parent a genius” type books to leave around the house.
Just once, I’d like to see a cactus that isn’t flexing.
-Hello, RSPCA.
-Hello. There’s a polecat clinging to my ceiling fan.
-I don’t believe you.
-Well you’ll have to take my whirred ferret.
Most of my exercise comes from getting up to let the cat in and out.
still bigger than my 1st New York apartment
ME: I was having a juice cleanse between 6 & 8 p.m
COP: You don’t need an alibi, you’re not a suspect
ME: I know, I’m just telling everyone
The scariest thing about the terrorists is how fast they can do the monkey bars in their training camp videos.
ME: i’ve got two problems – i’m sick with covid, and i can’t tell the difference between the words “dying” and “doing”
DOCTOR: these tests say you’re doing incredibly well
ME: thanks tell my wife I love her
New exercise regimen: I can only sit down when my toddler does. So far I’ve lost 17,000 pounds.
Curious, how many years do you keep a mismatched sock before you can get rid of it? Is it like taxes? 7years?
Imagine hand rolling a strand of spaghetti so long it could fill an entire plate and then they serve it to two dogs.
Sex is cool, but have you ever had a can opener that actually works?
“my god, that man is trying to snatch her purse!”
i’ll be RIGHT back
*ducks into phone booth**pops head out 5 mins later*
is he gone yet
My kids were very upset to learn that we are eating animals when we eat meat, so they’ve decided to stop.
Except for the animals that make bacon, chicken nuggets, and hamburgers.
My location is on so my wife can see that I am where I say I am.
My wife’s location is on so I can hide the drinking glass and start cleaning while she’s on her way home from work.
1 year older today, and still no closer to growing up
The worst words a parent can hear: I’m not tired
she has a point
Things more likely to kill you than Ebola:
– choking on a wheat thin
– erotic asphyxiation
– falling off the toilet
– a duck with a gun
Too many toilets have automatically flushed underneath me for me not to have reservations about self-driving cars
If you want to know how I rate in our household, my wife has one term of endearment for me and 74 for our dog.
Don’t go around saying you hate all people. Attractive people who have a lot of money are really lovable.
[Day 739 of me refusing to admit I’m stuck in a tree]
No I did this on purpose.