Every morning I announce that Im going for a jog, but then I don’t go…
it’s a running joke…
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When life handed Chuck Norris lemons, he made chocolate pudding.
Went inside my dresser hoping to find Narnia but all I saw was that stupid guy I killed
i’m sorry but why are there new episodes of shark week? shouldn’t the sharks be on strike?
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
You’re not doing Britishness right unless you’ve apologised to at least three inanimate objects in the past 24 hours.
When I see the lyrics to a song I’ve been singing wrong the whole time.
[My funeral]
Friend 1: So how did he die?
Friend 2: Mistaken identity
F1: What happened?
F2: He mistook himself for someone who could outrun a freight train
Three turkeys ran through the yard and all I could think was “wait guys, I’m coming too.”
So apparently “You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my real dad!” isn’t of much use when dealing with armed cops.
“You don’t have to try on every outfit on sale, you know”, my mum, clearly not knowing how a sale works.
he’s doing your taxes
I sharpened all my kitchen knives today. Now I can’t help but slice everything as if I’m in an infomercial.
I wish this was real life…
That awkward moment when someone asks you “who do you like to listen to?” and you forget every band in history.
Interviewer: What can you bring to the Lego creative team?
God: I’m God. I’ve created a lot of things.
Angel: *whispers* Show him the platypus.
*me looking at a police lineup*
Number 3 is cute. OMG Is he single? Give him my number! What? Oh. Right. Five. Number 5 killed my grandpa.
My eyesight is so bad that, after I took my contacts out last night, I chatted to my cat for 5 mins before I realised it was my handbag.
Wife: We are lost
Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we’ll be fine
My wife tells me we have an event at 5 PM that requires a suit. I’m antisocial enough to appreciate hiding behind several layers of cloth.
[restaurant]
WAITER: are you ready to order
DAD: i’ll have the rabbit stew
WAITER: only if you promise not to say “waiter there’s a hare in my soup” after i bring it
DAD:
WAITER:
DAD: i’ll have the chicken
When the doctor asks you ‘How are you feeling today?’ sexy is not an appropriate answer apparently.
wicked witch: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog too
john wick: *blushing* you think i’m pretty?
Are you watching Point Break or The Fast and the Furious?
I have two things hanging up in my office:
1. Pictures of my family
2. Generic emails from HR about things I specifically know I did
*a horse, dog and penguin walk into a bar
Bartender: Seriously, why are we even paying the bouncer?
I like how I carefully open a box of cookies so I don’t damage the resealable tabs like I’m not eating them all right now
[drunk, yelling at an empty Fosters can] ALEXA WHO ATE MY DORITOS
Liquidity is the only difference between soup, stew and a casserole. There, I said it.
Me: What did you do at school today?
4yo: Nothing
M: You must have done something.
4: I don’t remember.
[Bedtime]
M: Goodnight.
4: Wait.
*Spends the next two hours telling me about his day in excruciating detail followed by a philisophical Q&A session*
Me: whale sharks should really pick a lane ya know
Aquarium guide: let’s focus on finding your kid