“Ben Carson makes stuff up” said Donald Trump, self-proclaimed zillionaire, demigod and unicorn owner.
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I pet my dog and she started to purr. Thought I should lay off the drugs until I realized the cat was sitting behind her.
I carry dental floss with me at all times because you never know when you’re going to need to garrotte a co-worker.
I don’t trust my arms or legs like I trust my hips
my hips don’t lie but but the rest of my body parts are bullshiters
Opening twitter feels like visiting a recently abandoned house – you can still see how things have been but every now and then a picture falls from the wall and no one bothers to look what’s causing the weird smell in the kitchen
I’ve been wondering why a “fat chance” and a “slim chance” mean the same thing.
My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we’d probably have a few snakes.
I can’t come into work. I opened a cursed sarcophagus and now I gotta put a pharaoh’s soul to rest. I DUNNO, TAD, I’LL PROBABLY BE IN MONDAY
Will Smith: Here come the Men in Brown.
UPS Guy: You can just sign for your delivery?
“Act your age!” I yell at my 11 year-old daughter as I put on my Captain America t-shirt.
Whom the gods would destroy, they first give the WORST leg cramp and you can’t even get up fast because the cat is on you.
I’m 51 now, but still cling to the hope of me flying through a room horizontally shooting 2 handguns at once one day 😌💭
4-year-old: Are goats real?
Me: Of course they are. I can show you some if you want.
4: *runs away*
Apparently she was saying “ghosts.”
[Being murdered]
(with every stab, i move my body so that the murderer strikes acupuncture points which, to his dismay, makes me feel great)
Instagramming daily selfies does not constitute personal growth.
Before you ask me to proofread anything, know that I spent 30 years thinking “FAQs” was short for “Facts”.
Nobody learns to parkour faster than a parent chasing a toddler with a sharpie
Coward (adv.): in the direction of the cows
Today Mother phoned asked me what I was doing . I said I was on Google maps and looking at her house .She asked if I could see her waving .
They should use the good cop/bad cop tactic with more occupations, like good proctologist/bad proctologist.
They call it “childbirth” lest we get confused and give birth to a full grown adult.
What idiot named them twins instead of wombmates?
I’m terrible at balloon animals but pretty decent with balloon amoeba
My youngest called a family meeting. She wants to vote to get rid of her dog because she had to clean up a few messes it made. My sons voted to remove her. I’m starting to like this idea of family american idol
I trimmed all the bushes in the front yard to make my house look bigger.
One day you’re bad to the bone and before you know it you’re tired to the bone
Every time my parents buy my kids a loud toy, I submit their phone number to a mortgage refinancing company.
we’ve all got that one homie who is taking poison damage over time who’s always like “gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh.”
add excitement to your marriage by putting soap in one of the cast-iron pans
after u do your laundry u should be allowed to get in the dryer and tumble for a little. no charge.
me: wanna hear a joke about a guy who questions everything
her: sure
me: why