*sees window washer in a harness outside office high rise*
*holds up sign from desk*
YOU’RE NOT EVEN FLYING EVERYONE CAN SEE THE STRINGS
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“Know what, son? We should do all of our miracles before cameras exist.” – God
Her: Why did you text me “High Fructose Corn Syrup?”
Me: I think you’re sweet…
Her: …Awwww…
Me: …and will eventually kill me.
Interviewer: Why should we hire you at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame?
Geologist in a wheelchair: Isn’t it obvious?
So apparently if your iPhone tries to electrocute you, Apple support doesn’t know what to do except say “oh that’s a problem” and pass you up the support chain until you reach the person who feels comfortable putting you on hold for a year. It’s fine. I have all night. 🤯
Theres a new machine at the gym. I only used it for 1 hr because I started to feel sick but its awesome! Its got Skittles, M&M’s…everything!
My left ovary feels sore… like it was working out? I guess I’d say it’s
ovary active
There are 2 kinds of people in this world;
1. People who like math
A. People who hate math
3. People who really don’t understand math
5: Daddy, can I help?
Me: No, sorry. This is a tough job
5: [robot voice] I. am. a. ro-bot.
I. will. com-plete. the. work. of. 10. men.Me: [handing over tools]
protagonist: tag you’re it
antagonist: no you’re it
pennywise: are you kidding me?
*crawls into windowless creeper van*
One kidnapping, please.
At Twitter HQ
J: Users haven’t complained in a while, what’s going on?
Devs: Oh, we’ve got just the thing
*releases update
I don’t moan during sex, I prefer to yodel.
He said: “Tell me Baby…am I your first?”
She said: “What? Like…today?”
awkward
I’ve never made it longer than 7 hours into a diet before my inner fat girl ate her way out.
I’ve put the garden waste wheelie bin out. I’ve no idea if it’s getting collected today but everyone else in the street has now done the same just in case.
Wife: our friends won’t call us back cuz they’re sick of your conspiracy theories and seafood puns
Me: maybe they were all abducted by UFOs, seems awfully fishy to me
A worm is a pretty shitty prize for getting up early if you ask me.
Work tip: Anytime someone leaves a room, ominously say, “And they never saw him again.”
Date: Your eyes look beautiful in the moon’s light.
Me: Awww.
Date: *leans in for a kiss*
Me: The moon doesn’t make light, stupid.
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
Wife: We’re going to have a baby!
Friend: Wow congrats! Are you going to find out what it is?
Me: I already googled and it’s a very tiny human
The Phantom of the Opera paints a false picture that chicks dig dudes that play a mean pipe organ
i thought crypto and bitcoin were x-men characters
Tim Cook: “We’re excited to annou-”
#Apple fans: “We’ll buy it.”
Tim Cook: “Let me fini-”
Apple fans: “We’ll buy that too.”
#iPhone6
I think it’s fun how Hollywood gets to make as many Superman movies as they want until they get it right.
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
Prop Manager *checks gun*
“There are real bullets in here.”Rookie prop assistant: “Yeah we are out of fake blood.”
Bruce Wayne was terrified of bats & he became Batman, so anyway that’s why I became ClownBaboonDentistMan
I tend to be very Snow White-ish with animals, but today a squirrel threw a nut at my head
Win some, lose some