Maybe the caveman who discovered fire was wearing corduroys and running late for a meeting.
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I’d rather take a bullet for my son than cover for him when mom asks who left the dirty dishes in the sink…
Remember that time that thing happened and you laughed when you weren’t supposed to laugh? People are still mad about that.
OPTOMETRIST: Better or worse? Better or worse?
ME: You don’t *have* to talk during sex
Coworker: how was your thanksgiving?
Me: ……….. I assume you want me to hear about yours?
Gonna eat this baklava wearing a balaclava whilst playing a balalaika
Just checked FaceBook.. Apparently there are only 4 more days till the weekend.. I’ll keep you posted if anything changes guys
Freddie Mercury: “Hey Brian, what rhymes with scaramouche?”
Brian May: um… Fandango?
Freddie: “Perfect!” *snorts another line of coke*
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
“Are you on Facebook?”
“No, but I’m on..
(don’t say twitter, don’t say twitter)
..Mescaline”
(Nailed it)
I have to eat my last meal of the day earlier and earlier as time goes by or I won’t be able to sleep at night
I had supper at 10:30 this morning today
I get home and realize where my house stood a shark now sits dressed as a house with its mouth open
Shark:[nervously makes house noises]
AND ANOTHER THING, is a person in a casket a hot dog, sandwich or ravioli?
Star Wars (1977): A wounded warrior overcomes severe burn injuries to build a massive empire only to see his estranged son destroy it.
My husband coughed and then I coughed from another room. This is our version of echolocation.
Would bet there’s a math equation that can tell how many kids a person has by measuring the amount of Cheerios on the floor of their car …
Is there any way to tell a woman she has nice skin without her thinking you want to turn her into a jacket, especially one who really would make a nice jacket?
Trevor eventually flunked out of dentistry school
“Sorry, boss. I can’t come in today.”
“Why not?”
[fakes a sore throat]
“I’m in jail for vehicular manslaughter.”
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & ran away down the road
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a big path that cars drive on
I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.
Kim Davis says war has been declared on traditional marriage. Still unclear is which of her four marriages is under attack.
*Looks up from phone.
“When did you get home?”Husband: “I’ve been talking to you for the last 15 minutes.”
John Lennon: imagine all the people
Me: ew
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
“I love you but I don’t trust you,” I say to my dog as I put cheese and crackers on the table.
my kids: how many reese’s pb cups did you eat?
me: *picturing the 7 reese’s cups joining together as a mega-cup in my stomach* ….one
Had a date today and it was nice. Will try raisins tomorrow
It’s like Santa didn’t even care that Rudolph had a coke problem?
#DidYouKnow?
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, “son you know one card would have been enough” . 😂🤣