ME: *peeing in the ocean*
WIFE: at least go in past your waist
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grocer: [checking eggs] this one’s broken
king: how many horses do you have?
grocer: what
king: [panicking] how many men?
My wife and I divided up the important talks we’ll have with our daughters.
She’ll handle puberty, sex, and college.
I’ll handle zombies.
how about a movie where an old man teaches a kid karate with the ulterior motive for him to one day win a car waxing contest
My boss is marrying a Chinese woman.
Is throwing rice at a Chinese wedding considered lucky or a food fight?
My friend’s wife just went live on Facebook to discuss “astrology and the election” in case you’re wondering why I avoid my friends
As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald’s Playland ball pit
Them: what is dumbest thing you have done?
Me: you mean like today?
God: I shall call this a tiger
Me: *scratching ‘angry fire zebra’ off my sheet* yeah cool whatever
Every time you get a haircut, you’re essentially returning your last haircut and exchanging it for the exact same thing
The soul weighs 21 grams. We know this because the Jurassic World film reels are 21 grams lighter than Jurassic Park
Someone sent this to me and it’s bone chilling in its accuracy
[final debate]
TRUMP: I’d like to apologize to hillary
MODERATOR: umm ok
HILLARY: umm ok
TRUMP: I brought a gift *hands her a galaxy note 7*
if you ever think that you’re having a bad day just remember, there once was a lady who lived in a shoe
You are all invited to my murder shed, I mean my shed
How to cow tip:
First, sneak up behind the cow.
Next, get into a wide stance.
Finally, slip the money into it’s bell.
if evolution doesn’t exist explain pokémon to me.
Cop: looks like you’re wearing a seatbelt
Me: safety first 🙂
Cop: ok *closes port-a-potty door*
Twitter- Have you ever slept with a married man?
Me- Never, just ask my husband.
*registering with a doctor*
Receptionist: “Thanks for filling in the form – you’ve missed the next of kin section”
*batman runs out crying*
FIRED? But I just started! How could I have known we don’t do casual Fridays here? Fine. Direct your own goddamn funeral. *flip-flops away*
I’m so sweaty at all times I think it would be biologically accurate to call me amphibious.
Not sure why I drink anymore..I get the same effect from standing up too fast.
The male version of pamphlets are jimphlets, thank you for your time
Went out of town, came back and the roomba changed all the locks
I thought $3 eggs 🥚 were a lot
Until a saw a small bag of pistachios at the Airport going for $18
dog 911: what’s ur emergency?
dog: I JUST ATE CHOCOLATE
dog 911: OMG WAS IT GOOD?
dog: [whimpering]
dog 911: ok ok. go eat some grass
Sexting is like reading a porn novel written by two lonely people who failed English in high school.
I think the problem is that I’m 20% stud and 80% muffin.