I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
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Call me old fashioned, but that’s not my name and I absolutely will not respond to it.
[police lineup]
Cop: step forward and say ‘boing boing’
Suspect 1: boing boing
Suspect 2: boing boing
Desk lamp: boing boing
Wife of Pixar’s letter i: that’s the one. He killed my husband
*sees other guys posting photos of their abs*
*posts photo of me washing dishes*
*gets hit on by every woman on the internet*
Chicken bread
Teach one orca how to play Battleship and look what happens.
My 4 y/o doesn’t realize that things in life have happened before his existence. I bet this is what life is like for Kanye. Let’s be gentle.
My least favorite part of a burger or sandwich at a diner has to be the toothpick in the middle. I don’t care what the ingredient combinations are, that part always tastes the worst.
sometimes the people that hurt us the most are the people with nunchucks
Removing the pots and pans quietly in the morning is the adult version of Operation.
friend: what’s the difference between ignorance and indifference?
me: I don’t know and I don’t care
If I owned a bar, the only food I’d serve would be warm buns and it would have a dance floor. I would name it Abundance.
I am so sorry.
Transform chocolate into a balanced meal by eating it standing on one leg WITHOUT falling over. Chocolate yoga: it’s the next big thing.
[dark alley]
ME: someone told me that you knew how to fry rice
SHRIMP: [takes long drag from cigarette, murders me]
Everyone else could have their eyes shut, runny noses and food in their teeth but if I look thin, it’s a GREAT group photo.
Date: “So, what do you want to be?”
Me: “Impressed.”
Dating tip: don’t mention your time as a Boy Scout, let your sash full of badges do the talkin.
The state parks in NJ are opening today, but the bathrooms will be closed. I’m still staying home, too much anxiety worrying about where to go if I gotta take a shit.
80% of parenting is trying not to laugh when you’re supposed to be mad
I like to fill my medicine cabinet with marbles before I invite people over.
I just want to take a moment to thank God for making it be parrots that talk and not cockroaches.
We need less flight attendants and more Costco sample ladies on airplanes.
DOCTOR: i have good news and bad news
SCHRÖDINGER: give me both at the same time
Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg out, Put
-spider hokey pokey
Before gravity was invented you had to tie down your cows or your cows would just float away
The enema of your enema is your friend!
~ Autocorrect wisdom
robber: give me all the cheddar or i’ll shoot
me: here take my wallet i don’t want trouble
robber: no i just need cheese for my ham sandwich
me: what do you think is in my wallet
older coworker: i made a cake to celebrate the 25th anniversary of my divorce!
younger coworker: wow, you’ve been divorced longer than i’ve been alive
everyone:
everyone:
everyone:
older coworker: you don’t get any cake
Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your CV?
Me: Yes, that’s when I didn’t have a job.
He pulled a rabbit out of his hat!
Also, a gerbil from his pants & a kitten from his coat.
The infamous “Pet Shop Burglar” had a good day.
[being murdered]
omg yay i never get picked for anything