I can’t be the only person who daydreams about licking people
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[Job interview]
“You list communication as a strength”Yes
“Care to elaborate?”
No
*Leans head up to wife as I’m dying*
Me: My only regret is…
*Coughs loudly*
Me: …not having something cooler to say as I die.
*Dies*
One time I exaggerated so hard that I died.
*me, dead for several years, in my casket six feet in the earth. suddenly, my phone, which i insisted on being buried with me, lights up*
{linkedin notification} congratulate david crandall on working 4 years at the ground beef station at taco bell
I like how tinder repeats old faces you already swiped left, as though the longer you’re there the more desperate you get and the lower your standards drop until eventually you swipe them right
If I eat healthy today then I can have one piece of candy as a reward. If I eat unhealthy, then I can have the whole bag.
I want my tombstone to say “Actually, i’m feeling much better”
*finds another dead plant on patio*
[shaking fist to sky] I can’t be the only one watering things around here!
HER: [parallel parking] i’m so bad at this
HIM: you should probably get tested
HER: lol it’s not that bad
HIM: i have chlamydia
“It’s been a bit of a day”
Meaning: Anything from “the printer stopped working” to “an asteroid hit the planet and eradicated 90% of living things”
“Weight Watchers” because “Obesity Observers” was too cerebral.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Can I box any of this food for you?”
Me: “You can uppercut this piece of chicken.”
A neighbour is blowing bubbles from their garden. Great, whimsical little flying blisters of plague.
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world.
My friend just brought me a coffee and I started crying bc it was such a sweet and small but genuine act of kindness and she was like “I’m your waitress, you literally just ordered this” and that is just classic her I love her so much
If I come home from work and my wife is gone, I always think the worst has happened. I forgot something she said we were doing that night.
The most successful people I’ve met:
1. Go to work early
2. Stay late
3. Walk home to save money
4. Meet devil at crossroads
5. Trade soul for ability to play fiddle
6. Music career
7. Death, hell
8. Challenge devil to fiddling competition
9. Defeat devil
10. Ascend hell’s throne
One of my friends had a baby today, and another got a puppy. I think we all know which one I’m going to visit.
In a shocking twist my children just put on masks to play Grocery Store
Several of my internal organs hurt, but I’m 100% sure it’s not my body trying to tell me something.
Ever look up at a star and wonder if someone else in the world is outside, staring at that same star while waiting for their french bread pizza to cook?
I bet when David Hasselhoff gets too drunk he roams the streets screaming “KITT!” When he can’t find his car.
*wife leaves message on fridge w/ magnets*
WE ARET HROUGH
maybe it’s an anagram *rearranges*
ROUGH WEATHER
whoa better pack an umbrella
[carrying sleeping cat out of burning house]
seriously, what purpose do you serve
Nothing scarier than unlocking your phone in front of coworkers and not remembering what the last thing on your screen was.
My favorite animal is fried chicken.
Everyone wants to save the world, but no one wants to do the dishes.
I’m going to make a secret pornography organization called The Illuminaughty.
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
YouTube gives me ads in Japanese, google news gives me all the hot gossip from India, my ads on google play are in Chinese. I only speak English.
I, as a biological male, sometimes get menopause ads.
I’m sometimes paranoid over data collection & this all makes me calm down! Lol.