caveman: *bit by a radioactive cave*
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I had the audacity to tell my kid to get their own snack and now I’m standing in the corner thinking about my actions.
When I say “wow, that’s crazy”, 99 percent of the time, it means I haven’t been listening to a word of your conversation.
Up to 300 serial killers are active every day but the good news is that some of us have been incapacitated by the internet.
fact: each canadian goose contains the repressed rage of 30 canadians
I wonder if the people who camp out in front of stores for Black Friday sales realize there are online sales too.
what’s a good synonym for “experienced” to use in an overview summary on a resume? i tried “jaded” and apparently that’s not what employers are looking for
Forgot to take off my makeup and woke up looking like Cyndi Lauper from 1983.
When humorists pole-dance it’s called a comic strip.
We need a new term for “avoid it like the plague” because apparently people don’t do that
Imagine us having sex..
Wrong, more lasagna.
kind of nervous, on a date (on hold with my student loan servicer for over an hour)
i’m gonna write my will in cursive. if you want your inheritance, you’re gonna have to work for it
*attaches canes horizontally to dozens of old man walkers
*watches slowest jousting match ever
If I was planning a heist, I simply wouldn’t hire the guy who always loses his temper and kills somebody
My 3 year-old asked me why our dog sleeps all day. I explained it’s because our dog is old.
3 then replied in a low voice, “We should get a new dog.”
So my question is this; can I join witness protection now before he figures out MY age?
My auto reply to texts:
I would love to, but I have to [verb] a [noun] .
It’s my son’s 4th birthday so I volunteered to help out on his class trip to Chinatown.
If you don’t hear from me again, they won.
Men’s jeans: We have 1000 sizes. What is your waist? What is your height? Where are your hips?
Women’s jeans: We have two sizes, Chickpea and Sycamore
i love the concept of an encore. the band leaves the stage and the crowd is like omg wait you haven’t played your three most popular songs yet! and the band is like “beg”
If dogs named famous people, we would have:
-Bark Wahlberg
-Bark Zuckerberg
-Bark Hammill
-Bark Obama
-Charles Barkley would still be Charles Barkley
Friend: you’re so lucky you don’t have a job
Me, a stay-at-home mom, now with one less friend: so lucky
*notices it’s not even 8am*
*been tweeting like a boss…*
*…to 5 insomniacs*
“Will you stop CHOKING?”
First Aid in my house, apparently.
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
Son: When did u know you were old?
Me: When I started saying ‘congratulations’ to friends who said they were pregnant instead of ‘oh shit.’
Mike Tyson’s apartment building
How do you stop eating chips and salsa do they have to run out or do I die or what
Can’t. Typing a password into a tv.
Do you single people want to know what marriage is like? Imagine having an argument in 1993 and talking about it once a week until you die