idc who house I’m at, i’m drying my hands on yo decoration towels
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CNN: The alien invasion has begun
British person: I’ll put the kettle on
[comes home from store]
Wife: [shaking her head] Let me guess… earmuffs were on sale?
Me: [wearing 17 pairs of earmuffs] WHAT?
Once a guy pisses me off, I cancel their whole age group.
Currently accepting men aged 53, 74, and 98.
Sorry I’m late. I had trouble getting my hedgehog into her sweater vest. She was being a little prick.
My dentist has decorated his office with pictures of teeth he has worked on, thank god my gynecologist doesn’t have the same decorator.
safety message: make your coffee before assisting others with their coffee
Me: why aren’t you studying?
My kid: I didn’t see you coming.
Me: I’m worried that the romance has gone out of our marriage
Hub: Bet I can change your mind during the next commercial break
ME: You wouldn’t believe these sparklers I got!
SPOUSE: That’s dynamite!
ME: *waiving around the lit fuse* I know! It’s really cool!
SPOUSE: *already running*
Don’t have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I’m close to my destination
This is enough internet for the day.
*tries to impress date by eating spaghetti with a straw*
Standing by the stove, eating scrambled eggs out of the frying pan with a spatula, but in a sexy way.
The older I get, the more my feet hurt. I guess it’s true… time wounds all heels.
[making out in a club]
her: wanna go to the bathroom?
me: no I’ve just been thanks
I’m writing a fairytale about a printer that just works.
Tell your wife her butt looks big in those jeans.
Live a little.
Waitress: Can I take this out of the way for you?
Me: [glances at wife] uh…sure
Wife: SHE MEANS THE PLATE, IDIOT
Condescending:
(adj) showing patronizing superiority
(verb) a convict shimmying down a prison wall with a rope made of bed sheets.
I think “How the Grinch Stole Christmas!” has given my youngest unrealistic expectations. Today, we talked about putting away the tree, and he said, “No, WE don’t have to. The Grinch is supposed to come to our house and take it away.”
[wife gets home & sees shit on the rug]
What’s this?“It was Rover he w..”
*dog makes throat slice gesture*“It was me. I shit on the rug”
My friends are measuring the alcohol while making drinks. I need new friends.
Once a neighbor kid asked if my dog had any nicknames & I lied & made a bunch up & now whenever I see her she asks how ‘Tree Trunk’ is doing
Squirrels run around looking for food because they don’t have access to technology and the endless supply of nuts on Twitter.
My band is so indie we don’t even record together. You have to buy 4 separate cds and play them at the same time.
If you complain about not being able to find your boyfriends name on a keychain that store will think you have a boyfriend
[classroom]
Nietzsche: whoever fights monsters should see to it that he does not become a monster. Any questions?Me: [googling how to fight a dragon] I have a few
Fun trick: Swap guacamole with wasabi, then watch.
I would be a terrible stalker because A) not motivated enough 7) you would always hear the rattle of peanut m&ms behind you.
[job interview]
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: that’s a trick question there is no c in any of those words