I thought we had something. You met my family, made me dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”
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Impervious: being an admitted pervert
Why is it when the sun blacks out on a Monday afternoon it’s an “amazing natural phenomenon” but when I do it’s a “problem”
doctor: the results don’t look good
me: oh god, why?
doctor: *shaking head* the printer ran out of ink
Everytime a chicken looks at me I feel like it knows I eat chicken
You know it’s time for a pedicure when you can exfoliate one foot with the other one
If you wanna win a battle in the Middle Ages best be sure someone’s playing the bagpipes.
American cheese is just regular cheese that’s not afraid to fight for freedom! Also, it’s fatter than the other cheeses. And more racist.
Is there a Chipotle-style restaurant but for oatmeal? Like pick your base and then add all your toppings? This isn’t a joke I think that’s a great idea. Could be called Chipoatmeal idk maybe the name needs work
Optimistic Thought of the Day: You are always 1/3 of the way towards having a threesome.
never leave a toddler alone in a room with your burritos
Her: this isn’t going to work out
Me: *in the kiddie pool in full scuba gear* Why, what’s wrong?
Sorry I used your baby’s bald head as a lipstick blotter.
Has anyone actually seen a dog eat homework?
[first rap battle]
me: call me artisanal burger because i’m falling apart
opponent: please stop crying
hey people that post selfies on Instagram and caption it ‘No Filter’, go with a filter next time. serious
My wife steals my fries as if she identifies as a seagull.
If a cop pulls you over & asks if you know why. Answer “are you giving me a ticket or a quiz” for a free ride in their car.
If you want your dog to take a pill:
1. Get a piece of cheese
2. Eat the cheese for energy
3. Get ready to wrestle your dog
Someone asked how I was doing, so I said, “well l, let’s just say I’m not built Ford Tough” bc I’m not able to say I’m not doing well out loud. In retrospect I think the cashier really just wanted a “good & you” response but instead we bathed in the awkwardness that is my brain.
I wish I was as optimistic as the wives that believe they can change their husbands into the men they thought they married.
if anne hathaway doesnt say anne hatharrived every time she walks into a room she’s wasting a great opportunity
Whenever I take my kids to the zoo I think this is exactly where they belong.
I’m 99% sure the plane Harrison Ford was in is from the Amelia Earhart exhibit at the Smithsonian.
First date
Her: Wow this place is posh
Me: *clicks fingers* Garçon, we’d like to order food
Waiter: Entrées?
Me: No, on plates, you fool
Working at McDonald’s at 16 taught me I didn’t want to work at McDonald’s at 17.
Body by cheese-puffs.
everybody’s a toughguy until they have to use a screwdriver overhead for two minutes
I hope my neighbors follow me on Twitter cause their car’s lights are on.