“I hate when I can’t think of the right word,” she protesticulated.
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me: can i have a raise?
boss: i think the better question is how can we meet your career goals
me: by giving me more money
“Oh, we’re going for a 2 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Oh, & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds.
“Let’s call it a day.”
I don’t know what else you’d call it.
Calling it a turtle would just sound stupid.
“Lets call it a turtle.”
See?
Against the wall, on the counter and bent over the couch are the places I like to stretch.
Just going to bring my sleeping bag and camp out in the candy aisle at Dollar Tree. Wait. That sounds insane. Like I own a sleeping bag. I’ll just bring my blanket.
“Next time can you make something I like?”
*my kid leaving a review about his school lunch
My 13 y.o. son told me that when he hits 99 pounds, he wants to eat one pound of nachos on his own so he can be 1% nacho.
In 3rd grade the bus driver missed my house but I was too embarrassed to say anything so I got off at the last stop and started a new life.
I’m going to adopt a tapeworm. Perfect pet, cheap to feed, doesn’t pee, bark, chew stuff or sit on your head. Best bit, it makes you skinny.
6: I hate corona virus!
Me: When it’s over you’ll have to wake up early to get to school on time.
6: I DON’T WANT IT TO BE OVER!
Me: Your generation sits around with their noses in their phones
Niece: Your generation made the guys who wrote the Macarena rich
Me: …
Just heard a lady tell a 4yo to “get it together!” I’m not sure she knows how 4yos work.
[at a Doja Cat concert]
me [loudly]: PSPSPSPSPS
My family’s superpower is filling the recycle bin within 5 minutes of me emptying it.
dutch so unserious
As a parent, I spend far too much time identifying what’s stuck to the ceiling.
The “unfortunate” hair singe “accident” of ‘09 is why I’m no longer allowed near the grill.
*adjusts sunglasses, sips wine*
I’ve decided I’m not going to let my teen’s attitude get to me today, and so far I’m doing really well with it.
She’s not awake yet.
Back to the gym after a lengthy hiatus and noticed they made everything heavier, weird
I only wear dresses on sad occasions, like funerals and weddings.
when someone corrects my pronunciation of a word, my brain immediately snaps to how many polite people just nodded and let me sound dumb before
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
I want this so bad
4yo: Are you asleeeep?
Me: I was. What’s up?
4yo: There’s a monster in my room.
Me: Trust me. The way you’ve been acting it won’t stick around long.
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Yes.
I am also baked goods
My boss gave me an assignment and told me to “give it the old college try”, so now I’m skipping class and doing a keg stand.
I buy my cat Christmas AND Hanukkah toys, because I’m really not sure what her religious beliefs are.
Apparently granny panties and crocs was not the answer he was looking for when he messaged ‘baby what are you wearing?’
Told my husband the best way to get help at Home Depot is to wear yoga pants, but I dunno. It doesn’t seem to work as well for him.