What idiot called it chicken broth when you’re sick and not pharmasoupicals?
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Me: you want salmon for dinner?
3yo: yeah!
Me: what do you want with it?
3yo: mayo.
Me: I meant what kind of vegetable.
3yo: mayonnaise.
Bohemian Rhapsody should be an official unit of measure.
“I can shower in 1 Bohemian Rhapsody.”
“Ran a 5K in under 6 Bohemian Rhapsodies.”
PROFESSORR: So, Attilla’s rise had a lot of unintended consequences.
ME: *Raises hand*
PROFESSOR: Yes, Andrew?
ME: Hunintended.
PROFESSOR:
ME:
PROFESSOR: Thank you, Andrew.
10yo: “I NEED my iPod!”
Me: “I’m sorry honey.”
10yo: “YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND!”
Me: “You’re right sweetie. Mommy played w rocks when I was 10.”
Titanic, but with literally thousands of cats.
Oh my. I haven’t laughed this hard in a while. Good ol’ Winnipeg. 🤣
Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it’s already on? Stop talking in secret code.
God: you’re an amphibian.
Frog: what does that mean?
God: it means you can breathe on land and in the water.
Frog: omg you mean I’m a mermaid?
God: no that’s not what I-
Frog: [whispers] I’m the littlest mermaid.
I think if a trained monkey could drive a car, cook & give out money, my kids wouldn’t notice it wasn’t me. I need a monkey.
My 3-year-old was having yogurt for breakfast. He decided to pretend it was ice cream. Then got mad at me because it really wasn’t ice cream.
There aren’t enough condom ads in the world.
You’ve been kidnapped. Your kidnappers allow you to keep tweeting to pretend everything is alright. What would you tweet that would alarm your followers without the kidnappers knowing you’re asking for help?
“And then I put in the exact amount of garlic the recipe called for.”
car not found
[restaurant]
BRUCE BANNER: [tries to pick up a crouton with his fork]
DATE: Are you okay?
THE HULK: I’ve been better.
Anxiously sneaking to use a pen that my daughter has strictly forbidden me to touch shows exactly who’s in charge of this house.
My toddler begged to go swimming and then threw a tantrum because she didn’t want to get wet in case you were on the fence about having kids
When the DJ asks if we are ready to party I sometimes lie & say yes even though I really need like 10 min to get ready
If you are trading Cephalopods, it’s important that you exchange those that are of equal size and value.
You know….
Squid Pro Quo
One of the things I love to do is wait to go to the doctor until I’ve done enough research to tell him what’s wrong with me.
Electric eels imply the existence of Acoustic eels
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re dead Linda
If your partner asks, “Do you love your phone more than you love me?”
Lie.
step 6: release the wall snake
i sent all my sims to universitey & they all became computer scientists & proved they were living in a simulation so i unpluged my computor
My kidnappers sent me back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers
For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair
I hate when you get all excited bc someone says they had a dream about you and then you find out you were just there holding a clipboard
Intoxicated man causing disturbances attempts to hide from police…under a blanket
Flowers bee like
E. Coli and the dysenteries is a great name for a band