[at seance]
Me: We call the spirit of my dead husband.
Ghost Husband: I’m here.
Me: Move the planchette to send a message to me on this ouija board.
Ghost Husband: Ok wait. That’s just a piece of paper that says “I’m sorry” and “you were right”
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If you say something while exhaling smoke it is 10 times more profound.
😗💨
Until recently I thought cardi b was a type of sweater.
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: *is asleep
Netflix: why are you like this
Still waiting for the day I can illegally download groceries
Our new washing machine sends a text when wet laundry is ready for the dryer. I guess what I’m saying is this appliance is a snitch.
writers love saying things like “he had a toothy grin” what is a toothy grin. just making shit up. “he walked feetily into the kitchen” that’s how you sound
Pharaohs were buried with their hands crossed over their chest because of the belief there would be countless water slides in the after life.
Sorry I’m late. I had trouble getting my hedgehog into her sweater vest. She was being a little prick.
So what was my mom trying to say when she bought me a book on how to make friends?
HER: Talk dirty to me.
ME: I don’t want to.
HER: C’mon.
ME: No, I’m bad at it.
HER: I’m sure you’re not.
ME: I really am.
HER: Just try.
ME: *whispers in her ear*
HER: Yeah, never do that again.
Bananas evolved to become a deadly slipping hazard for their greatest predator, the human
Irony walks into a bar the same time as a Coincidence. The bartender asks what they want? “Not to be confused with each other.”
Up until five minutes ago I thought Coachella was a Disney Princess who made expensive handbags.
‘Keanu Can Canoe, Can You?’ – instructional video in which actor Keanu Reeves teaches people how to use a canoe.
HI I’M GOING TO HAVE AN UNCOMFORTABLY LOUD YET PRIVATE PHONE CALL ON THIS BUS AND EXHIBIT A STUNNING LACK OF SELF-AWARENESS. THANK YOU.
gonna write a steamy vampire chicken novella, call it “stake & eggs”
What they don’t tell you about marriage is that between year 5 and 15, your wife will record you snoring in the night, and then present it to you like it’s evidence in a murder trial.
DATE: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
ME: *gets really close to the date & whispers* I’m just a person, what bullshit question is this
After 30 minutes of looking, my husband finally found the car keys. They were in the last place he would think to look: in the pocket. Of the jacket. He was wearing.
The kids are in bed
It isn’t that late
But now I will pay
For all that I ate
[costume shop]
Me: I’d like a cloak, please.
Clerk: is plepsi ok?
*destroys head of lettuce*
*becomes new ruler of all lettuces*
as a non-catholic, i gotta say, christmas mass is a WILD ROLLER COASTER RIDE, sometimes the priest sing-talks in a muppet voice, sometimes everyone kneels except you, they do the secret club criss cross applesauce thing, a SURPRISE BELL rings sometimes, twists and turns abound
Me: *pulls the spider web off my face* ugh gross
Spider: *very hungry* dammit
I never know what to say now when someone asks what I want for xmas: the ability to sleep past 6am, Xanax, some cheese?
Me: How do you like your new bed?
Dog: I love it, it was delicious!!
Me: What?
Dog: Wut
Dwayne Johnson, paper, scissors
[Hide and seek]
Police officer: how long has he been missing?
Wife: a few hours
Police officer: describe him
Wife: 5′ 10, brown hair *raises voice* and he hates dogs
Me from the bushes: no he doesn’t
My neighbors hurt some bystanders by illegally setting off fireworks. If only there had been a good guy with fireworks around to stop them
Sometimes I toast to world peace, but secretly, I just want restaurants to stop serving frozen butter with bread