kale is so versatile, it can literally fit into any trash can
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Ran into the librarian I’ve been trying to impress in the Target book section and awkwardly blurted out “I’m just here to buy a TV,” which was way worse of course.
My parents never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, “Who murdered this guy with a pipe?”
ME: Distinguished fellow, have you seen a monster in this Loch?
LOCHNESS MONSTER (wearing a massive fake mustache): *monster noises*
“Raising a child is nothing like having a dog,” I say as my child begs to be let outside so he can pee on a tree.
No you can’t throw a ham at the rotor blade so it slices the ham up, that’s literally the first thing we taught you in helicopter school
For sale: chocolate aeroplane, mint condition.
me: how should i tell my kids they’re adopted?
kid: not like this
yelling “you’re not my real dad” is a faux pas
Thelma and Louise driving off a cliff, but it’s just me holding my friend’s hand until the scary part of the car wash is over
Want to binge on sugar but all I’ve got are gummy vitamins so I’m about to get mad healthy
My neighbor’s looking at me like she’s never seen a guy stuck in her doggy door before. And what’s with the screaming? And the golf club?!
[inventing flies]
GOD: make them eat shit
ANGEL: got it
GOD: make their babies the grossest things in the world
ANGEL: ok who hurt you?
And a special thanks to Autocorrect for changing “Busy juggling”
to “Busy jiggling”
I’ve learned many things from working with younger people but one is that you can deliver some pretty terrible news followed by lol.
I can see how that would be whiskey.
Do you have to wine about it though?
Unsolved mysteries is my wife and I trying to figure out how we no longer have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we wore them.
If the Bing chatbot isn’t called Chandler, then what’s the point of anything anymore.
Just tracked down a student to ask where his amazing looking sandwich was from and he didn’t know. How is this possible.
When a woman says she’ll be ready in 5 minutes, I know I have just enough time to fly to space & finish building my Death Star before we go.
an owl mistook my man bun for a sleeping hamster again today
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
GRANDPA: I have shrapnel stuck in my head from World War II
ME: I’ve had that Chumbawamba song stuck in my head since 1997 so I feel ya
All I’m saying is no one ever country westerns you like a hurricane.
The gross is always greener on the outside
I say as I look at the 4yo who just sneezed
HUSBAND: You dropped your phone, broke a glass, and frightened the dog.
ME: Yeah, but I killed the spider!
My white cat has been beating up my black cat a lot lately so I guess he’s been reading the news and knows he won’t get punished for it.
ME: rock, paper, scissors
PROCTOLOGIST: *snaps on glove* and you’re sure that’s all
[on a date]
him: I just want someone who isn’t obsessed with their phone
me: *slowly slides the 20 ft charger I was about to plug into the restaurant wall back into my purse*
I hate when you get hit by a car while walking down the street and texting and no one is in the car and it’s parked on the side of the road.
The Five Stages of Christmas Shopping Grief:
– denial
– anger
– strong language
– moderate violence
– a lifetime ban from Toys R Us