this makes me so uncomfortable
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Either you die or it’s a good trampoline. There’s no in-between.
I’m a failure as a sociopath. I’m just not very good at manipulating and taking advantage of people. I’m more of a so-sopath.
Me: Did you like that story?
5: Yes, I love Goldilocks.
Me: Of course they had to change the ending for kids.
5: There’s another ending? Tell me.
Me: You don’t need to know.
5: Tell me, Tell me!
Me: They’re BEARS for God’s sake. How do you THINK it ended?!
My 5yo was talking incessantly in the car and my husband turned the music way up to drown her out and I fell in love all over again.
Sorry I didn’t hear a word you just said-I was looking at your man bun and all I could think of was cinnamon rolls.
Me: Oh my god, that cat is adorable! She’s the cutest kitty I’ve ever seen!
Cat: I just want to be friends.
putting lotion on isn’t making your skin any less dry because you’re only addressing a symptom and not the source of the problem. You gotta drink that shit
Waiter: *sets down check*
Me: my treat
Her: thank you so much
Me: *grabbing mint on check* for what
My Uber driver is acting weird. He is wearing a mask and making me ride in the trunk. 1 star.
My obsession with building townhouses is going to give me a complex one of these days.
*stands on scanner at self checkout, weighing self after keying in mango code, just to see what net worth is in mangoes
I don’t know who needs to hear this*, but vinegar isn’t a condiment
*The British. The British need to hear this
Eating Doritos is fun, but there’s always that one that gets in your mouth and decides it’s not gonna die without putting up a fight, so it stands up and pokes you in the gums.
I’m not sure what everyone at my coworking space does for work, but I’m pretty sure one guy’s job is chewing.
*quits Twitter to spend time with family*
*remembers what family is like*
*quits family for Twitter*
8yo: Daddy, I wrote a short story called Attack of the Killer Kittens.
me: oh wow ok…
8yo: Mommy is the superhero who makes all the kittens be good instead of evil.
me: nice, what about me?
8yo: you get eaten.
I can’t believe it’s so cold I have to wear gloves inside. I mean I’m not even robbing anything or trying not to leave fingerprints
My theory is, “things can’t be too bad if I can still laugh about it”
This has led to me making jokes at WILDLY inappropriate times
If you ever get attacked by a shark, just be a good sport about it and let it eat you. Hey, look on the bright side: It’s a rare occurrence, so you’re special.
wife’s still mad that I responded to the priest after he said our wedding vows with “agree to disagree”
Best friend, helping me dig a hole: so tell me again what happened?
Me: he came home to me sitting on the couch after I spent the entire day cleaning the house and said, ‘you’re just where I left you.’
announcing “i’m pregnant”
– pretty normal
– congratulations
– are you excited?screaming “there’s something inside of me”
– sounds dangerous
– we still talking about pregnancy?
– are you john hurt’s character from the hit film alien?
constantly torn between wanting to eat snacks and wanting to look like one
If my landlord would just take cat hair instead of money, I could pay for the whole year upfront.
Priest: and do you, Lil’ Jon, take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Lil’ Jon: WHAT
Priest: you say “I do”
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I do
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I DO
Lil’ Jon: YEAH!
My life would be so much better if I could use a smokebomb to conceal my escape after being turned down by a girl.
Who even sits in the middle on a sofa? Just buy corners and be done
I have a joke about trickle down economics.
99% of you won’t ever get it.
My girlfriend will only have sex with me if i imitate her favourite electrical appliance. Tbh i’m not a fan
*makes eye contact with beautiful woman across fancy restaurant*
Waiter, send that woman a glass of your finest Sprite.