Doctor: I have good news and bad news
Me: What’s the good news?
Doctor: The good news is you’re alive. The bad news is you’re going to have to diet and exercise to stay that way
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Jellyfish 1: i’m so lonely
Jellyfish 2: you should try dating
Jellyfish 1: idk maybe
Jellyfish 2: *motions to cute girl* i think she’s flirting with you
Jellyfish 1: *enamoured* who is she?
Plastic bag:
[halftime]
Coach: Okay men we’re literally losing at basketball to a dog… any ideas?
-I have one.
*pulls out vacuum with a jersey on*
We’re gathered here today to mourn the loss of Derek. His last words were “Watch me try and keep my eyes open while sneezing!”
When someone says they worked like a dog, I’m envious because every dog I’ve ever known has done nothing all day long.
Her: Why do you have a copy of 50 Shades of Grey in your bathroom? Perv!
Me: Oh. No that’s just for when I run out of toilet paper.
Give a dad a fish and save him a trip to Costco.
Teach a dad to fish and you can throw wild parties while he’s away on fishing weekends.
[Last supper]
Jesus: Same time next week guys?
*they all nod*
Judas: I’ll book a table for 12
Jesus: you mean 13
Judas: yeah..13, I meant 13
Me: “Thanks for always being here for me.”
*leans in for a kiss*
Liquor store clerk: “Please just pay for your bourbon and leave.”
Every surgery is exploratory if you’re confused enough
[kung fu fight]
“Your tiger claw is no match for my crane.”
*starts lifting heavy building materials*
Get out, RUN! That DM was coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE
*Paper beats rock*
*Paper beats eggs*
*Paper beats his girlfriend*
*Paper beats his three year old*
Bartender: What can I get you?
Me: Sex, beards, rock & roll?
Bartender:
Me: Sparkling vampire crazy about me?
Bartender:
Me: Beer.
“What do you get if you cross a monkey and a lion?”
I glance nervously over to the basement door, afraid she’s seen something she shouldn’t.
“I’d like you to meet my half sister.”
“Different fathers?”
“Shark attack.”
I taught my youngest niece and nephew to say “Mommy steals credit cards” when they’re in a checkout line.
I started working for a paycheck 30 years ago last month & my jaw has been clenched ever since.
Don’t make me take off my belt because then my pants would fall down and my body looks like an egg on toothpicks.
Maybe Jesus went black, and that’s why he isn’t coming back.
ME: *sees a puppy*
BRAIN: Your backpack could fit a puppy.
I got my paycheck and the envelope was filled with parsley.
Someone garnished my wage.
No, you try explain to a 6 year-old why Superman doesn’t wear a mask.
WIFE: It’s great having kids, isn’t it?
ME: Oh yeah, it’s the best
W: How long until they go to bed?
ME: 4 hours, 17 minutes & 26 seconds
6 woke us up this morning slightly concerned.
6: a squirrel is making some really strange screaming noises on the deck.
Me: *not knowing how much 6 knows* maybe he’s looking for a lady squirrel.
6: like a mating call? I don’t think anyone would find that very attractive.
kid: 5 more minutes
dad goat: no it’s pasture bedtime
I’m at a hockey game and the players weren’t really trying but then a guy 5 rows up yelled “come on” and then they tried harder.
I’m not saying I’ve gained weight, I’m just saying I don’t think my belt buckle should be facing the ground…
When your mom beats you for coming home late then you see your brother coming😂😂😂😂😂😂
I have an admission that will shock some people. It’s not something I’m proud of and I hope I’ll be given a little grace, but I’ll understand if not.
Here goes….
My hips have lied. Like…a lot.