I’m pretty laid back… but if the bagger boy at the grocery store puts soup cans with bananas and bread again, I’m going to Lose. My. Shit.
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I always watch The Shining with family around Christmas time to remind them what happens if we spend too much time together.
Halloween gig memory. Playing a nursing home. A lady in a wheelchair started inching forward; about two feet per song. She made it to the front of the stage, smiled and gestured for the microphone. I gave it to her. She yelled, as loud as she could, “GO HOOOOOOOME.” Show over!
ONLY Justin Bieber could make doing drugs look not cool…
not to brag but once I was flirting with this girl and a day later she got back with her ex
I used to think Pet Insurance was a waste of money but my cat is at the vets & they’ve sent us a really lovely little courtesy cat.
My wife handed me a mop so I inspected it and said, “You’re good to go, woman!” and now the mop handle is in a funny place.
If zombies eat brains, 90% of Twitter is safe.
*lets out a blood curdling scream* HELP MY BLOOD IS CURDLING
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
[1st Day after wildebeests take over]
I’m safe in my house
[Day 7]
Thought I heard clattering
[Day 21]
THEY CAN OPEN DOORS WITH THEIR HOOVES
Me: Ugh, I’d rather die.
Bartender: Literally nobody said anything.
*seduces you by wearing a sundress
*ruins it by running in flip flops
I feel like whoever named it a “magic marker” was really overselling their product expectation-wise.
[driving home in silence]
me: all i said was her husband was a really down-to-earth guy
gf: they were lowering his coffin
I refuse to acknowledge the new year until the old one cleans up the mess it made.
Hey people that twitter says are “similar to me”, where do people like us put our car keys?!?!?!
Job interview:
“what would you say is your biggest achievement is to date”“I once wore a hat to bed and it was still on in the morning”
Got my twins a bunk bed so now I can worry about two kids falling at once.
Cashier: Can I see some ID?
Me *Points to my 13yo son*
[walks into Halloween party with a hot dog taped to my head]
“What are you supposed to be?”
ME: I’m not wearing a costume
The first bird to chew food for her kids was probably just trying to leave for work on time.
A watch that gives my dentist a little shock every time I floss.
A baby bear catches snowflakes.
In retrospect, Mr. Burns gave me an extremely unrealistic view of how funny a rich guy who controlled everything could be
A group of guys with ponytails is called a flock of Steven Seagulls
Aquafina is Spanish for “tap water in a plastic bottle”
I was going to fake my own death but I didn’t want to have to start a new Twitter account from scratch.
Me: Take my pic *hands him camera & giggles*
Him: What’s funny?
Me: Nothing.
Him: *presses button, explodes, dies*
Me: Ha! Photo bombed!
Drunk on Twitter: Omg what an awesome idea!
Morning after on Twitter: Jesus Christ I’m gonna have to leave here now.
Is it still casual sex if you’re wearing a tuxedo?